dear brother.

this is in response to brother's recent fb status updates, consecutively, which wrote

"I spilled those tears out of its contain, not for You, but for my raging Devil. You must've thought it was better if You hadn't give birth to me 17years ago"

"P/S : I miss the times when You used to kiss me and call me cute names. What, its your husband who I'm referring to. It's been hell for me. I miss him, you know that?! He wouldn't even look into my eyes when he talked to me for the last time. Ahh, Fuck it... I am whole by my own."

"Sometimes when I think about the Shit I've been through, I realize how much I've endured"

of which i commented:

"as they say, what doesnt break you, makes you. whenever the going gets tough, never give up but keep hope. And someday, somehow, you will make the people who gave up on you, proud, of the stronger person you have became. i rmb years ago, when i was crying my heart out, you knocked on my door, and asked if i'm okay. gave me a pat on my shoulder and told me that all these hell will soon be over, even before you know it. it meant a lot to me then, even till now. so even if you get so broken, so hurt and disheartened and disappointed, be strong and know that someday, you'll prove them wrong! take care my lil bro. ♥"

but i just feel obliged to write a blog post instead of a comment because it aint easy to phrase everything i want to say you in that lil comment box.






dear lil bro,

it honestly breaks my heart seeing your statuses. i am lost for words. i may disapprove of a lot of things you have done, just like how you disapprove of my actions. and in some way or another, i admit i was disappointed in you because i was the one who assured mum that you are changed for the better. and when things happened, and the blame was on me, i was obviously disappointed. even up to today, i've only heard one side of the story, and not yours. but it doesnt matter now cause it wouldnt change the way things are right now, would it? since i am not in such a persuasive position anyway.

i havent exactly been the best sister in the world to try and understand things from your point of view, nor try to understand it from our parents'. i just remained nonchalant, indifferent and ignorant, stuck in my own world because i didnt want to be involved. up till today, i dont really know what happened, i dont know how you are doing, i dont even know where you are. looking back, and looking at all your statuses, i feel like kicking myself for being such a selfish ass. and now, after all that has happened, i cant even knock on your door with our secret tap and whisper ''are you okay'' like you did for me. although in the past, most of the time while i cried, you'ld just keep quiet and pat my back occasionally without a word. it's not the words which mattered anyway, it was the thought and the sincerity that meant a lot to me and made me feel less alone. to know that you would stand by me and silently support me, gave me the strength to pull through and endure the darkest points in my life. but, i'm sorry i did not do the same for you and cant do it for you now after all these while

all i can say is that i'm sorry things turned out this way for you. in you, i see myself. at least, who i was in the past. hard headed, stubborn, rebellious with this raging anger inside to grow up to prove our parents wrong. of course, our circumstances are different. my issues were with mum, yours are with dad. it's substantially different, but same in many ways. how she was so disappointed with me, and gave up on me saying that she wished she never gave birth to me and cursing that i would grow up to be a useless person and end up on the streets after being cheated and used by men, and eventually becoming a cheap prostitute. those hurtful words still ring in head, up until today. people used to tell me that mum just cant and dont know how to express herself, but both you and i know that although some words might be hurled out of anger and disappointment, a lot of things she says and does, were exactly how she intended it to be. i hated how she caged me up and never trusted me at all, and made my life a living hell with the continuous emotional and verbal abuse and mad outbreaks and insanity. till now, i still remember that fateful day when she gave up on me and was prepared to send me away. i felt so unwanted, hurt and angry that even after dad took me back, there was always a hole in my heart knowing that my mum was once so disappointed with me and regretted having me. and now that i think about it, all these tears still well up because it's that same rage which drives me to prove her wrong. prove to her that her ways were so wrong.

thinking back, i myself am amazed with how much pain i've endured and how far i've came from the girl who hated her mother, and once hoped she would burn in hell for being the most horrible mum any woman can ever be. i thought i would never make it through hell and would either end up becoming a runaway refugee or killing myself. looking back at how far i've came from the rebel who told herself she would pay back for the hell her mum put her through and will never ever go back home once she leaves, i know now that, this one phrase is true. "what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger". i still have my disagreements with mum, i still think her ways were wrong, and is still wrong. how she always has this prejudice towards me and the whole trust issue, always quick to judge and accuse me and disapprove of whatever i do thinking that she's always right and i'm always wrong. even though after everything, i still cannot entirely change the way things are and how she feels about me, at least i have changed my life, my future and myself for the better. at least today i know, that thanks to her and the torture she put me through, i have grown and matured faster than any teenage girl can.


up till today, i dont know if being disowned or living through hell is worse. but it doesnt matter, because either way, it was still hell. it still hurts to know that you are unwanted child and no matter what you do, you just cant seem to get it right and change things around. i know exactly how it feels because i've been through it and i survived.

i know that despite all the anger, hurt and disappointment in you with our parents, you silently want to prove them wrong and for them to be proud and accept you as you are. do not be disheartened although they seemed to have shut the doors on you. take it as a challenge to make you stronger, and someday make them proud and regret that they gave up on you. what drove me to never give up even though there were many points where hope was bleak, was my anger, resentment and disappoinment. be strong and never let those emotions get the best of you. channel all these negative vibes well, to fuel your drive to be strong, no matter how weak and lonely you feel, no matter how hopeless or bleak it feels.

you know as i sit here at your computer in our house's living hall, i realize how much i miss you. but it's never the same again. whenever i am alone middle of the night, it reminds me of the simplest things we used to share like cooking supper together and talk about our lives. because you were the only person i could really trust and tell everything. now, i talk to the wall and write drafts which i delete in the end. at my low points, i still wish i could go to your room and talk to you, but all that greeted me was emptiness. it'll never be the same again and i dont even know when we can be a happy family again. dont even know when i can go over to your room middle of the night to listen to songs together or bug you with my problems or talk about my issues or pour my heart out to you who would patiently listen.

i dont know when this empty house will ever be a warm home agai, or if it ever will. or will we ever be ready to put behind our indifferences and forgive each other for the past. i dont know if we can ever break this wall of silence and ever be a happy family, or will be just drift away and apart and years go by?

i can only hope for the best. for you, for dad, for mum, for sis, for myself, and for this broken family that is torn apart.

take good care and someday you'll make all of us proud. even though i might not always be there for you, be strong and know that you are not alone. that no matter what happens, you will always be my little brother.




love, viv.

the final walk

the beautiful flowers on my lap while accompanying a dear friend on his final journey.

so he made the ultimate decision to take his life. although others may despise and disapprove of his suicide saying that he took the easy way out, i stand firm believing that it takes so much courage and faith to take your own life. it isnt easy to make a conscious decision to leave behind people whom you love and those who love you. and for whatever reason which driven him to do it, i respect that decision and trust that he knows best.

the beautiful flowers were my blessings which accompanied him as his body turned into ashes and his soul departed from this world to a happier place above. despite a thousand question marks in our heads as to why he did it, the fact is that, he is gone. the only comfort we can find, is that he left peacefully.

i, and the rest of the people who meant the most to him when he was alive, were there for the final walk with him. the fact that all of us put our hectic lives at halt and paused our lives for two days, to travel four hours away to the small town of segamat to pay our last respects and to be there for each other, is what mattered the most. his death devastated all of us. and i hope he sees the broken hearts and bitter tears and know how much he meant to us.

despite being there at his funeral and standing among the broken hearted friends and family during the prayers, and witnessing his body go into cremation, it still feels surreal. like a nightmare we are all hoping desperately to wake up from.

reality hits us in our faces, that, he is gone. forever.
but he'll live in our hearts always. this i promise.



rest in peace, my friend. and i will always, always remember you with the smiling face.

p.s: sorry i decided not to post his picture on my blog.

the end. of the tears. the hopes. and the wait.

"because i want you to move on. stop hoping. and stop waiting."

your words ring in my head like an annoying bell. they were like a tight slap on my face. painful. yet, awakening. as hard as it is for me to digest it and accept the cold hard and cruel truth, you were right.

it is time i wake up from this illusion i live in.

this dream and all the hopes i have going on in my head, all my fantasies and sweet dreams.

i admit. i do have high expectations and high hopes. i do have this perfect lil world going on in my head. i refused to let go and move on.

i continued to live in the memories, in the dreams, hoping that someday it'll come true, even after you walked away.

in a lot of ways, i thought that it wouldnt hurt that much if i kept all these memories and hopes. but now i realise, that i live in a misery, feeling sorry for myself, crying day after day, hoping and waiting.

i guess you were right. until the day that i stop hoping and stop waiting, i can never move on. but all these while, i held on tightly and refused to let go.

i knew better than anyone else where we were heading. a dead end with either one or both of us hurt. and yet, i continued to hope. and wait.

there is no point in pointing fingers now, blaming each other on why things would never work out, neither is there any use in regretting mistakes in the past. things happen for a reason.

there was a reason we both crossed paths, a reason why we stuck together and there is a reason to why we parted ways. and i would say that the reason to all is actually the same.

which was to make each other's life better in various ways and to leave significant footprints in our hearts.

for the past one and half years, for happy, sad, blissful, resentful, tough times, for better or for worse, we've been through it all. it had been a worthwhile journey. and i would not change it. i believe everything happened for a reason.

there is always rainbow after a massive rain. and i suppose the rainbow after you walked away was that it opened a door,

a chance for me, and for the both of us to move on instead of continuing being stuck in a dead end, hurting ourselves and each other.

but all these while, i had been too busy feeling sorry for the broken dreams, reminiscing about the sunny days, trying to patch shattered hopes and crying over the rain to even notice or acknowledge the rainbow.

i will no longer sit by the window for hours wishing that you would come back. no longer cry through the night, hating sleeping alone. no longer leave the bedroom door unlocked and the lights on, hoping you would walk through the door. no longer sleep on my side of the bed wishing that i would wake up to find you beside me.

i will no longer send sad late night texts to make you feel awful. no longer listen to 'right here waiting' and all the sad songs playing on replay to remind myself about how lonely i am. no longer find pathetic reasons just to call you. no longer do stupid things just because i crave your attention.

i will no longer feel sorry for myself. the broken dreams. the shattered hopes. no longer wonder what 'could-have-been' and 'should-have-been'. no longer wonder what the future would be, had things not happen the way they had. no longer try to figure out 'how-to' make things better or change your mind. no longer cry over what has happened.

i will no longer waste my life away.

waiting for the day that you would come back.

as much as i hate walking away and dont want to move on, i know i have to, at some point, let go of the wonderful memories and start over.

it had been a great significant journey with you which i would cherish and remember for the rest of my life.

but the wait, the hopes, and the tears.

ends here.

tonight.

because i'll start smiling again tomorrow.

i still look forward to seeing you again, but i wont be wasting my life away crying and waiting anymore.

whatever happens, happens. whatever will be, will be.

waiting for you.

it's lonely nights like this which i feel the loneliest.

it's times like this which i need you the most to make me feel wanted and loved once again. =( i hate sleeping alone without you by my side. do know i miss you so much. happy birthday.

i want you by my side right now.

can we just turn back time to when we were so happy together? ='/








p/s: i cant wait for you to be back this week. dont crush my hopes please R. i refuse to sleep without you by my side. ='/

for the one man

who has been
walking with me for as long as i remember
walking in front of me to guide my path
walking behind me to support me and catch me if i fall
walking in my shadows looking out for me.
for all the slaps and cane marks as i was growing up to make me learn
for all the teary long talks all through the night to help me get back on my feet
for all the jokes and laughter
for all the late night calls to make sure that i am safe
for all the arguments which made me grow
for all the material things which made me a spoilt brat=)
for the hatred i had against you which i have grown past
and for the love trust and respect i have grown to have for you
for all 18years (and still counting ) as your little baby princess =)

*cheers* daddy
for the tough past 18years messy compilation of
joy, pride, disappointments, sorrow, anger and happiness.





which reminds me that i have yet to sort out my pictures. urgh.

letter to heaven.

i have never been good in dealing with issues and my emotions. I’ll always choose to run away from it. hoping that ignorance will make it go away. If it lingers, I somehow subconsciously allow it to slowly eat me from within. I disconnect myself from the world and live in my own pathetic depressed world in pretence of seeking ‘myself’.

The truth is, I’m just not strong enough for it.

I am not a believer of gods and the ultimate power from above. If there was god, I bet he’s sitting back and smirking at me. I believe in fate and that things are to happen no matter how hard you try to avoid it. People say that we carve our own paths. I believe that certain things were meant to happen. Just when I thought I outsmarted ‘god’ and changed ‘fate’, I was proved wrong. Just when I thought I have screwed up everything there is to screw and gone through every hell, something awful happens.

Yes, I have issues. In fact I have many. People always saw me as the troubled kid. As much as I try to run and hide, sometimes I just need time to slow down and understand why things had to happen and grief over it.

I know I had been quiet for the past few weeks. I chose to disconnect myself and as cliché as it may sound, I needed to seek peace from within and know that I have not lost sight of who I was.

I went through hell and Hades decided to throw me back to the world. I wish I could rip my heart open and allow people to see what’s within which is eating my soul and torturing me slowly because I simply can’t face this alone anymore. I am going through an emotional roller coaster. Except that it is crashing downhill uncontrollably. I need to know that I am not alone on this ride.

But please don’t tell me you understand. You have no idea.

I got to know somebody recently. He gave me the most painful experience ever imaginable. which I had to deal with first hand, learning it the hard and most tormenting way.

A lesson on life and death.

I wished he never exist.
I wished he never had to appear in my life.

It’s been a whole week now. I never get to sleep at night. I barely even sleep. I exhaust myself to the extremes every single day. Most nights, he would be on my mind 24/7, haunting the living hell out of me. I’ll stay awake till dawn crying all night, wishing him away. On better nights, I fall asleep after a couple hours of crying, and wake up two hours after, awaken by the same nightmare. The one where I was cursing him dead and wishing him away when he was so full of life, and the next moment, I was holding on to his dead body crying for him to come back. Except that I know for sure, it was not just a dream or a nightmare which I could wake up from.


The truth is that, he did die. In the most horrible way of dying. Which I was made to witness and live with for the rest of my life.

Because
I took him for granted
I hated him
I wished him dead.
I prayed and cursed him dead.
I caused his death.

Dear you,

I know there is nothing in the world which I can do to make you come back. I hope you know I never wanted things to happen this way. My hands were tied by fate and I’m sorry I could not ease your death. If I could change things, I would.

I am sorry I told you over and over again that I wanted you dead. I am sorry I cursed at you. You know I was afraid. If I could change the way things worked out, I would rather be the one who died. It isn’t that much of a miracle that I lived and survived death, because I cant live with you haunting me and killing me slowly this way. I hope you know you are making my life a living hell, and you are causing me so much pain from within.

I am just so sorry that Death came knocking on the door and you happened to answer it.

You have all the right to be angry at me and to come back and haunt me this way, making my life a living hell. In some way or another, we both know I made you die. But I do hope you understand that I did not want it to happen this way either. It’s as painful to me, as it was to you. Your sudden departure made me realize how short life is, and how fragile life really is. One moment you’re here and the next, you’re already gone. I know the amount of tears I cry and apologies and everything I do, can never erase or rewind what happened.

When I held your bloody hands and your cold motionless body close to me and knew that there was no pulse anymore and that you were really gone, a smile carved on my face. To tell you the truth, the first emotion I felt at the time of your death was not grief. It was a sense of relieve. Your death took away and ended both our sufferings and perhaps in one way or another, it brought peace upon both of us. At least this way, you will never have to see the ugly side of life and will never have to suffer ever again. I hope heaven is a much better place compared to your short life on this miserable place called earth.

I know I am selfish to compromise my sufferings with your life, but somehow, your death made things better for both of us. As relieved as I am that your death ended your pain, I hope you understand how much I regret what has happen. When I fake a smile, it doesn’t mean I let go of you already. I am still grieving and mourning over your death. When I laugh, we both know I am just trying to make the pain and guilt go away. It ain’t easy facing your death alone, to pretend and move on like you never ever existed when my heart is ripped apart, devastated by your death. Kissing you goodbye and letting you slip away was the hardest and most painful experience I will never forget. Please don’t make it harder for me by living in me and in my memories.

I hope you know that I am sorry that I was so afraid and so scared that I had to leave you that way and dispose of your dead body with the most inhumane way imaginable. It scares me too that I have become someone I don’t even know anymore. I always thought that even if I lost all my principles and sanity, I would never lose my humanity. I hope you know I regret it so much that I stay awake every night thinking about how I would have changed things and made things better if I had a second chance. I exhaust myself to the limits and keep myself busy and caught up with anything at all. Yet, not a second of my life has passed without thinking of you. Only my heart knows how badly I wished things did not happen this way and how desperate I am for a second chance to make you come back. I know there were a hundred and one things I could have done to keep you alive and I chose to let you slip away. I am sorry that I made such decision and somehow caused your awful death.

I regret it every moment I live.
I swear if I had a second chance to make things right, I would never have let you slip away. I would never say or do the things I did to you. I would not let death take you away. I never would have left you.

I never dare to look in the mirror anymore, because I know you would be there, staring back at me with the very same look on your face when you died. I spent hours scrubbing my hands, I will never be able to wash away your blood. My hands still smell of your death, of your blood and of your dead body which I held with my bare hands. Everytime I shut my eyes, all I can think of is how you look when you slipped away, to a place called heaven. Everywhere I looked, I see you. and it kills me to know that I can never erase the memory of you. Everything I do, be it taking a bath, trying to have a meal, driving, or anything at all, it reminds me of you. I will never forget the painful sight of your blood-soaked body as you slipped away peacefully.

I am falling apart day by day, bit by bit. I relive the day of your death every single day in my mind and my dreams. I go through the moment where you slipped away over and over again without fail every single day. Each new day is worse than the day before. The accumulating pain is killing my soul.

Your death broke my heart and devastated me. The truth is, I didn’t think it’ll hurt this much. I really thought I would not be affected by your death, knowing that it happened for a reason and it made both our lives better. But it eats me from within knowing that I caused it. Thoughts of you, especially the moment you died, is torturing my soul. The most painful part is to know how much you mattered to me and to realize that I loved you, only after you slipped away.

Please know that I can only tolerate a certain amount of pain. And I am losing this battle with myself. Please don’t do this to me anymore. I can’t stop thinking of you no matter how hard I try. You are stuck in my mind all the time and there is nothing I can do to ignore your presence even when you’re not physically here. If only there is a way to make me forget, I’ld give anything to make this pain go away.

You’re not just in my mind. You’re taking over the whole of me. The only way I can move on is for you to leave me alone and find your peace in heaven. I hope you do rest in peace and god knows how long it will take me to find my peace and finally move on. Please know that I am heartbroken that you slipped away but I really can’t live in your shadows, in this misery.

Life is a torture with you tormenting me this way. Please let me live this life for the both of us, because I know how much you would have wanted to be alive. Please let me fulfill both our dreams and make up for the things you would have done if death did not come knocking. I have not forgotten you and I will never ever forget you. but I cannot go on with life with your ghost lives in me this way.

Do know I miss and love you much and I would give up everything in the world to make you come back. And I’m sorry I can’t.

I regret it every moment I am alive.



with love,
Viv

tagged >.<

okay, i've been abandoning my blog for some time, so before you guys think i'm dead, here i am, still alive. >.<>

anyway, i'm gonna do paikyen's tag since i really dont know what to update. my life has been rather bland lately and very routine-based. sigh, and exams are coming up. i'm just trying to run away from all these shit. oh, did i mention that lecturers are starting to notice my absence in classes. lol. some bad habits just dont go away overnight wan larh. and an explaination letter by friday? hmmm... dont remind me of the dumbest lamest excuses i can come up with. heh. anyway, yeah, back to the tag >.<

1. Do you have any secrets?
lol. who doesnt?

2. Have you ever tried not eating anything for a few days?
i know i rephrased the question. paikyen ar, dont you read the stuff you post?
'do you ever try a few days do not eat anythings?' =.=''
no. how do you think i got this fat? =.=''

3. Do you enjoy going to school?
hmm.. tough question. i think it very much depends on the situation. i mean i dont enjoy school every single day, and i do get so sick of school. but i still enjoy going to school knowing that i'll miss it when i grow up.

4. Coffee or more coffee?
No coffee please. i dont mind a little mocha or latte with whipped cream every now and then, but i'm not a big fan of caffeine. i'm more of a chocolate person >.<

5. Laughter or forever smiles?
well.. i think i laugh more than i smile. and laughing is far more 'fulfilling' than smiling. i mean smiles sometimes hide hidden negative emotions, but most of the time, laughter comes from within the heart. so yeah, laughter.

6. Who is more important? Lover or best friends?
if you asked me this question a year ago, i would say lover. but i've grown to realise that friends will always be there for you when a relationship falls apart. best friends are the ones you can really trust and rely on for a long long period, a lover might just be short-term giver of happiness. and i dont believe in commiting myself for one person and living for him only.

7. The person you like is already attached. what would you do?
depends. on how much i like him, and what i think of the girl he's with, and whether he has any feelings to me at all. if i really like him a lot and i think he's attached to someone who doesnt deserve him or is a complete bitch, and if i know that we might have a chance, i would definitely break the two up. it's just an attachment, not even a marriage. even if he was married, i would still break them up. well, maybe i am just plain mean.

8. What made you smile today?
having 14 hours of sleep and waking up at 1.30pm and having the whole day to waste. =))) oh, and yesterday daddy sorta agreed that i could have my own car. =)))) i'm still smiling over it now. heh.

9. Angelic or devilish?
i think everyone knows i'm a devil. *winks* i can still be angelic though. =)

10. How would you see yourself in 10 years time?
28, married and rich. lol.

11. Who are currently the most important people to you?
does my puppy monster count? lol. the most important people are those who made a difference in my life, those who care the most and really matter to me, and those i cherish and love, and know that i'm talking about them.

12. What is the most important thing in life?
knowing how to love yourself and to cherish everything in your life. and making your one and only life an amazing, worth-while journey.

13. Are you single or attached?
Single. and very happy.

14. What is your favourite colour?
i would say black and red. and of course hot pink >.<

15. What is your wish?
oh, i have a million wishes. but i wish to be happy, loved and rich, the most. lol. who doesnt?

16. Have you ever wondered what would happen afterlife?
i used to wonder. but i dont believe in anything called god. therefore technically i dont believe in afterlife.

17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing someone has done?
i do forgive little things people do. but i have a hard time forgetting and letting go. but i think some horrible stuff are just unforgivable. and i will always remember it all my life. revenge is always sweet.

18. Which do you prefer? spending time with family members or close people who understand you?
i think i would prefer spending time with close people who understand me. doesnt mean i do not cherish my family, family members can always fall under the category of close people who understand me.

19. 5 people you're gonna tag
ah ma, irene, huiyee, weisoon, may

for you, my dearest

i miss waking up next to you and see you still asleep in your pink checker pants and white singlet with that mad shuffled hair. and having you greet me good morning when it's already way past noon. and having, in fact, sharing breakfast with you.

and going to shower with you, talking and splashing at each other. and the outdoor baths we had in the balcony while being clad only in our wet towels. applying lotion on each other's back and walking around in our wet towels. how can i ever forget? and going to the clinics every day or another for the lamest and stupidest reasons we could come out with. and pissing off lecturers every now and then.

it's nice having you to be late with me for classes, and having you to sleep in with me when we both are too lazy. having you to talk with whole night while having coffee and hupseng. squatting in front of the food cupboard thinking of what to eat. cooking together and eating together. and also the trips to the toilet to puke out everything we had for supper because we were too hungry to not eat in the first place and yet dont want to get fat for no reason. lol. and pissing off ah ma cause of our laziness.

and the trips to town, shopping and loitering around. fighting for the same pair of shoes. and shopping for lingerie together, picking up thongs for each other. and end up buying the same gorgeous bra. planning and writing down all the stuff we plan to tell our mums when we were up to naughty stuff. ying ru and the whole list of her, remember? lol. and the dumb lame jokes you always tell which never fail to make me laugh. i miss those.

and eyebrow plucking sessions in the middle of the night and painting our nails all day. and having you to wax my legs and my whole back. trashing other people while they were asleep and talking bout our lives, and the dumb men in our life whom we thought were 'The One'.

and standing in front of the mirror parading our clothes, competing to be the sexier one and comparing who showed more cleavage. and all the heads that turned and whistled when we were out together. obviously, things have changed now. *winks* it was really nice having you to share clothes with.

the bad times we shared. stupid arguments we had which we would forget about in awhile. the time where you had the sick thingy up in your ass and was moaning all over and i simply didnt know what to do. crying over the men in our lives. sitting in the rain, shivering and just being there. doing last minute assignments and staying up all night because we were procrastinate queens.

and the stupid dog and cat drama we got so stuck on that we completed all 20 episodes in two days, watching the dvd all day and night while popping koko krunch into our mouths. and the dumb video sessions we had. wasting time doing nothing, just slacking whole night through. and choreographing the dance steps till middle of the night, and i wish we could club again together someday, wear slutty clothes, flirt around and get drunk.

from the first day we met, till the time where we got close in the rain, then everything just ended. like that. occasional phone calls and smses and trips to the mall when you come back just cant compare to what we shared.

it's amazing how much blossomed through the one year, it's just too long for me to blog about. we both know all the crazy stuff we shared. and right now, with us miles apart, i'm never the first one you tell when you had stomachache like the old times, and you are not likely to be the first one i tell when i'm very happy or very upset. and you might not turn to me and tell you're bored like you used to. and i cant wish for you to accompany me to the toilet in the middle of the night and to share a bowl of tomyam maggi with at 3am.

i'm sorry i'm not there for you on this very day. things are way different although the memories are still so fresh. i wish i could be there to jump out on you with a mini siew bao with the candle at the stroke of midnight. but then, i hope you know that you never faded away even as we grow apart.

happy birthday my dearest evil twin.

sorry though, i dont have a better picture of us. you la, never send back to me since my memory card corrupted.

another TAG!

am back in KL, yayy!!
okay, since i have one hour to spare before kelvin picks me up, i'm just gonna do another tag. my dumb bro said my tag was cacat =.='' and told me to do his. here it goes. just a simple tag, no pictures though, the whole process of searching, choosing, editting and uploading pictures takes wayyy too much time. so yeah, read. >.<

Once you've been tagged, you have to
write a post with 16 random things, habits
or goals about you. At last, choose five people to be tagged.
Listing their names and the reason u choose them :)

1) i hate commitment. not scared of it.
dont know if it is my rebellious spirit or bad past experiences or my plain wild side that made me distant myself from relationships that require a lot of commitment, but i hate being suffocated in relationships whether it is blood-ties, friendship, 'love' or whatever it is. i prefer to be in open relationships and for people to respect my space, my freedom and the way i live my life.

2) i hate people trying to change me or teach me how to lead my life.
i despice people who come and tell me that what i do is not right, or comment on how i live my life and try to tell me how to live a 'quality' life (as if you have a life ), or try to talk to me about 'life'. ( do you really think you have THAT much life experience? let me just tell you that i dont need it and i've had my share of 'life' experiences. i'm young. does not mean i dont know what i'm doing. does not mean i need you to teach me. i enjoy friends' company. i dont need people pushing me around.

3) cannot be alone.
i might be able to bathe again and read alone. but i CANNOT sleep alone, eat alone, or be alone. i adore companionship of friends. maybe i'm scared of being outcasted and isolated. i really dont want to be alone. i want to know that i have shoulder(s) to cry on. and i cherish true friendships. i might mingle and fool around with more guys rather than girls (because i am boyish myself), but i adore my dearest girlfriends and love them to bits.

4) am materialistic.
most people would know how money rocks my world. does not mean that my world revolves around money. does not mean i worship money and rich people. i just love to be pampered and to know what money can buy. but i am serious when i say that money comes above intelligence, principles, personality, attitute and looks when it comes to picking a 'boyfriend'. i love luxury and things money can buy. at least i am honest about it. i dont crap and lie that money doesnt really matter. bullshit. who are you kidding?

5) lives for music, parties, alcohol, high times and sex
i enjoy listening to good music and lurve singing, especially when people are listening >.< i love parties, whether it is small birthday bashes, cocktails, dinner parties, slumber parties, wild parties and clubbing, and almost every other party. sex party? no thanks. i love what alcohol does to my body, keeps me awake and allows me to let my guard down and be the rebel i am. i love being high and orgasms. lol. who doesnt? and i'm not gonna elaborate about the last part.

6) adores footwear
i'm starting my own shoe shop. heels to be exact. lol. i just cannot resist the tempation to buy when i see gorgeous heels, especially when they have my shoe size which is 3 =.='', despite the fact that i seldom wear them, especially when they are easily dirtied ( like my red satin pumps, my purple velvet heels, white pumps, and green velvet boots ). but most of the time, my heels are for show on the racks only, i am most comfortable with slippers =.=''

7) loves kids
although i might be very mean to humankind, i have a soft spot for cute babies (in fact a very soft spot >.<). how can anyone not fall madly in love with the helpless cuddly little frame, the adorable baby fats all over, and lovable cute face? despite that, i will never have babies of my own. i'm too afraid. and no, i dont think i would change my mind even 15 years down the line. i'ld grow up and get married and adopt kids. seriously.

8) sometimes silently wish i could trade away my brains.
people would despice me. but honestly, sometimes, in fact many times, i would wish that i could trade away all my brains to be pretty. drop dead gorgeous with beautiful hair, nice nose, pouty lips, long legs, skinny and gorgeous skin. i have always hated seeing myself in the mirror. shallow as it may seem. but true. it really doesnt matter if i was dumb, as long as i would not be the ugly duckling =(

9) am a rebel, a daredevil
i have a thing for lying, even if i really dont need to. sometimes i just lie for no reason to make people jealous or to provoke their anger. i have a thing for snooping around and cheating. nasty, but i just cant help it. the kind of satisfaction from getting away with cheating is just euphoric. i dont follow rules. i break them. i hate being like everyone else. i need to be different. outstandingly different and in my own league.

10) loves shopping
it's ultimate satisfaction to go home from fruitful retail therapy. and i dont really like to go window shopping, i'ld rather go shopping and go home with shopping bags =.='' most of the time, i prefer going shopping alone. it's one of the few things i can do alone. but of course i dont mind shopping with company of friends, especially my chicks >.<

11) live to eat
i cant resist temptation of good food. everything from quality chocolates, raw salmon and japanese food, food from hawker stalls, penang har mee, maggi >.<, ice cream, steaks, ramly burgers, curry laksa, raisins and prunes, cookies, korean food, satay, roti telur, murtabak, chinese style vege... urghh, i'm getting hungry again. =.='' and i enjoy company of eating friends. >.<

12) i'm definitely not a morning person
waking up before noon literally kills me. =.='' am more of a night person. i sleep late and wake up really late, only to continue with naps later in the day. >.< ( not short naps, naps which last at least 4 hours =.='') you will never be able to drag me for breakfast unless i slept VERY early the day before or had alcoholic drink ( which makes it hard for me to sleep ). dont ever ask me to go and jog with you in the morning, you will not succeed in persuading me. lol.

13) i wish i were a snake
everyone knows i have horrible skin. i wish i could shed my skin and have new skin like snakes. i may be rough and tough, but i definitely cannot take heat. it brings out the worst allergy in me. dont take me out in the sun, especially when i'm in a bad mood or having make up on. and i hate people staring at me as if i'm a freak just because i dont have baby smooth skin. i'm just a girl with flaws.

14) i am quite emo
i used to be very emo. i'm learning to take things less seriously and to care less and be less sensitive towards a lot of issues. and yet, sometimes i become very emo out of nothing at all and fall into a full-blown depression where sleepless nights, endless crying, too much negativity, refusal to go out, refusal to talk, locking up myself and all those crap comes in. i try not to get there, but sometimes, it's unavoidable and i need time to be emo so that i get pick myself up and learn to be tough.

15) am only 18 but definitely not dumb
i wouldnt call myself smart, but i definitely am not dumb. in fact, i would say i am more matured than most people my age. i choose to not use my brains most of the time. we can only be 18 once, right? i want to make the best out of it. i dont want my consiousness and maturity to stand in the way when i'm about to do crazy things which i would want to tell my granchildren next time. i want to do things which 18 year olds are not able to do, (not being childish or acting like a kid, but rather acting beyond my age and do things they will only be able to do when they are older )

16) i'm not simple as you may think
there are just too many things you dont know. things only the heart knows. period.


i tag:
Ciara : cause i know i would enjoy her tag
Paikyen: cause i want her to write things i dont already know. heh
Irene: cause her blog is almost dead
May: cause she came up with the lamest excuse to not do my previous tag =.=''
Ah Ma: cause i want to know things about her which i have yet to know.

>.<

TAG!!!

well. i finally decided to do ciara's tag >.<
i spent quite some time to find some pictures here and there
cause pictures in my laptop are only limited to self shots taken in the past 6months =.=''
and as some would know, pictures taken and saved in my old phone from the past two years were gone when my memory card was corrupted
stuff in my old pendrive are also gone since i do not know how to take good care of my belongings and virus infected my pendrive
it aint the first time though
i have lost a whole lot of high school pictures when my computer was infected and was reformatted in 2006
i still have not learnt my lesson =.=''
doesnt mean i do not appreciate pieces of memories from my past.
every single detail is kept and secured in my heart, to be cherished forever.
anyway, yeah, the tag >.< enjoyy!!
by the way ciara, instead of singular form, i did it in plural form >.<
hope you dont mind yahh dearie.. muaxx


Pictures of you at the most unique environment


well, i must say, this was taken really long ago, definitely not 2008 as the date in the pic =.='' unique, yea, we were sitting on the waterfall thingy located in the primary school >.<
and i miss that librarian uniform =)

how can i ever forget? one-of-a-kind birthday parties with a lot of flour and chasing around and food fights and outdoor baths and hide-and-seek with the guards and bonding which money can never buy. i seriously miss those days.

our very last formal dinner before we parted. and our black-and-white dates.

nothing unique about this except the company of crazy friends and the crazily pouring rainstorm

D 4.5, where everything started. a place where life was simple.

a place i dearly miss and sometimes quietly wish that we could all turn back time to spend another year there and this time around i would appreciate every moment.



Pictures of you at the place you dislike.

law school. ironicly. the place which i would be spending my next 3 and a half years and hopefully grow to love.

urgh. my pathetic hostel room

law library. to be surrounded by laws and books. sigh.

orientation. a painful ordeal.

hospitals. the sick place.


Pictures of People Who Mean A lot to You

them who i miss

xie jiao.

them. i love.

them. i

ex-roommates. or rather sisters who mean the world to me. dont know when will we finally be able to take another picture together as the five of us again.

besties. all through the 7 years since secondary one till today.

siblings. my bro, my closest friend of 15 years. my sis, my love.

my family. whom i love and hate at the same time.

Pictures of You With Your Best Smile (Mouth Opened)

despite me being tipsy, i still consider it a nice pic >.<

and no, i wasnt drunk.

lao da. >.<

slutty pics. heh.

my camwhore sister.

suang and i in 2007

the chick with the gorgeous smile and contagious laugh. <3

my evil twin. i miss you chocoass.

Picture of You With Your Best Smile (Mouth Closed)

a plain and bare picture of me smiling >.<

i seriously have too many self shots =.='' vain? hmm. not really. i've dealt with a lot of depression and low self esteem and hatred towards myself.

Pictures of you with the lamest pose

i always tell people to delete ugly/lame pictures of me. despite that, i still find a lot of pictures with me and lame poses. =.=''

the makeover thingy.

hah. little kids at play caught on cam. =.=''

lol. i just HAD to post this pic with mingcher being retard. heh.

lol. tingyi and his craziness. >.<

no doubt. the lamest an ugliest pose of the year. heh.

i know it's lame. dont remind me. heh.

hehe. us being crappy. but i'm not the only one with a lame pose okay?

heh. this pic makes me laugh. dont know why i look so retardedly lame here.=.='' i was just trying to smile.

me in red. being lame. and obscene

shh. dont comment.

A Picture of Someone Who Stands On Top of Your Heart

well. for the time being. no one. so i'll leave this section empty. i think it'll always be empty after all that i've gone though, cause i've learnt to love myself more than anyone else in the world. *cheers*

Pictures of You With Some Toys or Cute Stuff

heh. count anot?

those were the chubby days when we were form4 or form5, heh. aint she CUTE?? my darling paikyen >.<

max's mikey. cute aint she?

the cutest things in the world-babies/toddlers. my nephew wen long >.< such a sweetheart aint he?

Pictures of You in a White Shirt

hmm.. why white? why not red or gree or blue or black? lol. anyway, yeah.

10 people i tag :

1) ah ma

2) irene

3) huiyee

4) paikyen

5) wei qing

6) bro

7) nathan

8) charis

9) kelvin chin

10) may

hope to see your nice and not nice pictures yahh peeps >.<

*cheers*