Tuesday, March 2, 2010

the end. of the tears. the hopes. and the wait.

"because i want you to move on. stop hoping. and stop waiting."
your words ring in my head like an annoying bell. they were like a tight slap on my face. painful. yet, awakening. as hard as it is for me to digest it and accept the cold hard and cruel truth, you were right.
it is time i wake up from this illusion i live in.
this dream and all the hopes i have going on in my head, all my fantasies and sweet dreams.
i admit. i do have high expectations and high hopes. i do have this perfect lil world going on in my head. i refused to let go and move on.
i continued to live in the memories, in the dreams, hoping that someday it'll come true, even after you walked away.
in a lot of ways, i thought that it wouldnt hurt that much if i kept all these memories and hopes. but now i realise, that i live in a misery, feeling sorry for myself, crying day after day, hoping and waiting.
i guess you were right. until the day that i stop hoping and stop waiting, i can never move on. but all these while, i held on tightly and refused to let go.
i knew better than anyone else where we were heading. a dead end with either one or both of us hurt. and yet, i continued to hope. and wait.
there is no point in pointing fingers now, blaming each other on why things would never work out, neither is there any use in regretting mistakes in the past. things happen for a reason.
there was a reason we both crossed paths, a reason why we stuck together and there is a reason to why we parted ways. and i would say that the reason to all is actually the same.
which was to make each other's life better in various ways and to leave significant footprints in our hearts.
for the past one and half years, for happy, sad, blissful, resentful, tough times, for better or for worse, we've been through it all. it had been a worthwhile journey. and i would not change it. i believe everything happened for a reason.
there is always rainbow after a massive rain. and i suppose the rainbow after you walked away was that it opened a door,
a chance for me, and for the both of us to move on instead of continuing being stuck in a dead end, hurting ourselves and each other.
but all these while, i had been too busy feeling sorry for the broken dreams, reminiscing about the sunny days, trying to patch shattered hopes and crying over the rain to even notice or acknowledge the rainbow.
i will no longer sit by the window for hours wishing that you would come back. no longer cry through the night, hating sleeping alone. no longer leave the bedroom door unlocked and the lights on, hoping you would walk through the door. no longer sleep on my side of the bed wishing that i would wake up to find you beside me.
i will no longer send sad late night texts to make you feel awful. no longer listen to 'right here waiting' and all the sad songs playing on replay to remind myself about how lonely i am. no longer find pathetic reasons just to call you. no longer do stupid things just because i crave your attention.
i will no longer feel sorry for myself. the broken dreams. the shattered hopes. no longer wonder what 'could-have-been' and 'should-have-been'. no longer wonder what the future would be, had things not happen the way they had. no longer try to figure out 'how-to' make things better or change your mind. no longer cry over what has happened.
i will no longer waste my life away.
waiting for the day that you would come back.
as much as i hate walking away and dont want to move on, i know i have to, at some point, let go of the wonderful memories and start over.
it had been a great significant journey with you which i would cherish and remember for the rest of my life.
but the wait, the hopes, and the tears.
ends here.
because i'll start smiling again tomorrow.
i still look forward to seeing you again, but i wont be wasting my life away crying and waiting anymore.
whatever happens, happens. whatever will be, will be.

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