angels cry

2.30am and i stood naked in front of the mirror after shower and broke into tears due to frustration, disappointment, bitterness and hatred. towards myself.



am so fat and unmotivated to do anything about it
i've got blackheads and blemishes infested on my face
tons of ingrown hairs and bumps on my legs
extremely dry disgusting skin
unsightly chipped nails
broken and chapped lips
painful huge ass ulcers
awfully small ugly eyes and flat nose
tangled oily hair falling off
ugly scars from history of skin problems
unruly overgrown eyebrows
cellulite on my thick thighs
massive manly arms
sad ol flat ass
saggy horribly scarred boobs
short stubby fat legs
bulging disgusting tummy
and the list goes on and on and on...





fml seriously.







am feeling awfully emo and frustrated and angry and absolutely upset with myself, how lazy and unmotivated i am to do anything about it. all these negative feelings which were buried for some time were triggered when i started surfing for some treatments for ingrown hairs and blackheads and suddenly it started to hit me, that i've got tons of incurable problems and what nots. feeling sorry for myself and how shitty i have became due to my laziness and bad attitute. fuck my life.



and nobody should love me cause i cant even love myself. how can i when there's nothing to love. there's no such thing as beautiful from the inside. cause if you're not beautiful outside, who would bother to look inside anyway? i know everyone has their flaws, cause nobody's perfect. but i feel so imperfect and broken cause life's a bitch and absolutely unfair to me. behind the thick makeup and fake personality masking everything, there's still me. full of flaws and full of shit.



am so bitter, fucked up and frustrated with everything. well so much for updates. *rolls eyes*. another pathetic sad emo post. now if you'd excuse me, i am off to stuff my face with ice cream and fat food and continue sobbing to sad songs and depressing ballads.




I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you said
We could've made everything okay

But we just
Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
we used to touch the sky

And
Lightning don't strike the same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry

True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Every night I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

I thought we'd be forever and always


You were serenity
You took away the bad days
Didn't always treat you right
But it was okay
I do somethin' stupid
And you still stay with me
But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone

And


We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye'
Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice


When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Now every night
I feel the angels cry


C'mon baby can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry


Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you


Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you


Lightning don't strike
The same place twice

When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm

Every night I feel the angels cry


Oh baby, the angels cry



a beautiful song which makes me cry everytime i listen to it, at least until i get sick of it. it causes this painful sting, reminding me of all my hidden emotions and feelings, beautifully expressed in the song.

tears will dry, but there will always be a trail of bitterness. pictures will fade, but the memories will remain. people say time heals. perhaps it will, but i know the scars will remain.

imy, still.

i dont even know where all these emotions and tears are coming from. ah. great. i've successfully made myself feel even worse than before, feeling even more miserable. pathetic much. goodnight.

enough is enough

the love of my life =)

sorry for the three weeks absence. i could not bring myself to blog due to the overwhelming of emotions especially when i read my own blog which makes me even more depressed. i have been crying and sulking since he left on 10th feb, and been even more miserable since 'the incident' on 3rd march which really broke me completely.

i was disappointed. very much. that the man who had made me feel like a princess and the happiest girl in the world for the past one and half years, is the same man who would do shitty things to me and completely break me to the extent that i dont think anything will ever be the same again.

it was as if he pushed me off a cliff mercilessly and i fell so far down to hit the rock hard bottom and shattered into a million pieces.

for the past two weeks, i refused to eat. i could not sleep without depending on medications. i could not work or go to classes cause i would break down. i could not study, i could not do my chores, i could not do anything at all. all i wanted to do every single day was to drink, cry, stone, numb myself and sulk.

awwww... cute like mad no?

but as my title says, enough is enough.

sorry to those who were annoyed with my emo-ness and self-pitying. and of course, thanks to the people who had stuck by me and been really sweet to help pick up my shattered pieces. but most importantly, i have to thank the people who slapped me, whether virtually, verbally or physically. because i think that was my wake up call.

a friend once told me,

"miserable or not, it is a choice. there is no such thing as 'you cannot' let go or stop crying, you just REFUSE to. cry your heart out for the memories and the broken dreams. then wipe them dry and untie the knot in your heart. there has to be a full stop and a limit, a point where you HAVE to come back to real life because you cannot go on being miserable your whole life. people wont sympathize for long, soon you'll become this annoying sad depressed person with an unnecessary, very heavy emotional baggage which you refuse to let go of. it is you yourself who is at lost."

another told me,

" it is his loss that he missed out on the best thing that could have happened in his life. it is his loss that he did not appreciate you and let you go. take this opportunity to seek real happiness. why be miserable and feel sorry for yourself when you're not at loss? he is."

(of course, not the exact words. but more or less laaa)

suddenly it just hit me like a blow on my face. it is true. he does not know that i'm miserable over him, and even if he knew, i dont think he cares anyway. even if he cared, there is nothing which he would do about it anyway.

so why am i choking on the pills with shivering hands and tears in my eyes, and cutting myself to feel the pain, and starving myself refusing to eat? why was i getting drunk everynight and making a fool out of myself crying at the clubs? why was i sobbing myself to sleep missing him so badly? why was i locking myself home listening to sad songs and staring at the door hoping he would come back?

it isnt worth it. not for a man who does not love me and can treat me this way.

when i walked away, he asked 'why are you acting tough for?'.

i can now proudly say that i am not that vulnerable fragile girl i was. and i am not 'acting tough', i really am tough now. i am so numb to the things you deliberately do to break me and hurt me. i was disappointed. i still am but its different now, because now i know and fully understand, that letting go was probably the best thing that has ever happened in our relationship which wasnt heading anywhere anyway. it is my chance to go and seek real happiness instead of being stuck in all the fake hopes.

" thanks for the love you had given me in the past, thanks for these wonderful memories you have given me. but definitely thanks for breaking me and letting me go. though it hurt so badly in the past and i may not be the same ever again with the missing pieces, but i have grown to be stronger and more matured. and i know some day i will come back to thank you for letting me go and opening doors to more wonderful things to happen to me. i am sorry that after all that we have been through, we have to end this way. i will not forget you and how loved, happy and blissful you once made me feel. thanks for walking hand in hand with me through this short beautiful journey which i truly cherish, but this is where we shall part ways. goodbye my love."

i will wipe away the tears and conceal the puffy eyes. i will make my hair, apply make up, wear my hottest dresses, and put on my killer 5inch stillettos. i will be beautiful again cause i believe someday, somehow, someone who is worthwhile will come my way.

and of course thanks for bringing toy toy into my life and sharing one whole year of the joy of raising a puppy with me. he still does wait for you at the door once inawhile in hopes that you'll come back. i know he misses you much and i bet if he could talk, he would ask me why dont you come back anymore. i would tell him, it is for the best. but i promise, even if i may not be able to be the best single mummy in the world nor provide for the ultimate best, but i will try my best to make him the happiest lil puppy alive.

people who are close to me would know that i had plans of travelling alone, most preferable to a place with a gorgeous beach and sea to seek peace within my heart. but due to unforeseen circumstances, things didnt work out according to plan. anyway, i have found peace of mind now, so perhaps next time. but i had my fair share of trying to relax the 'healthy way' minus the booze and substances. by swimming and lazing and tanning by the pool =)

hah =) him laying on the bench with me, phobic of the pool after accidently falling into and almost drowning =.=. look at his face. farny like mad =) who says all dogs have natural swimming instincts?

tanned!

heh. part of the tatt. =)

oooh. damn like this pic with the blurred background effect =) and i swear i did not edit it! oh and notice my newly bought Guess bag. definitely happy with it especially when it is paid with my hard earned money. (okayy la. not that HARD earned afterall. but definitely my OWN)

oh, btw, did i mention? i got new hair!!! =)

dont mind the makeup-less face. i super excited to camwhore with it! =)

chio like mad, no? =)

okayyy. stop staring at my cleavage already!

heh. i bet all of you wondering why suddenly i dye my hair dark brown and curl them when i absolutely love my flashy golden streaked straight straight hair. and extra wonder why my hair become so luscious, so thick, so long and so gorgeous ady riggghhhtttt??

i bet you're thinking. cheh. sure hair extensions wan.

fast fast say my hair very gorgeous first!!!! =)

mad chio righttt??

nevermind. i know it is super gorgeous though you refuse to say it =)

okayyyy laaa...

i didnt curl my hair or dyed it. and its not even my own hair. hmph.

i know my hair memang very flat and ugly laa. but the thing is, there are no ugly women. just lazy ones. women are only ugly because they are lazy to put make up and make themselves pretty by dressing up and grooming themselves (dont know how to put make up is not an excuse! its also cause you lazy to learn in the first place righttt?! so quit complaining that you are ugly and stop hating people who look soooo good with their make up! )

but its not hair extensions. in case you dont know what is hair extensions, they are the type where you just clip extra hair onto your normal boring hair on the inside layers so you have longer and thicker and nicer hair.

mine is actually a wig! and mind you, wigs are not only for ladyboys or crossdressers or for those who have cancer =.= our hair is one of the more important accessory which you wear every freaking day. and its always the first thing people notice bout you, especially when you have fab hair! so what's wrong with wearing a wig worr?

definitely one of my best 200 bucks spent! expensive you say? you think go and curl, dye, treat and style hair very cheap ah? somemore if you go saloon to have a hair makeover, it can only last you like four months, and super troublesome to maintain somemore. besides, wearing a wig, you can change your hairstyle as and whenever you want. you cannot do that with your real hair!

why i dont use hair extensions instead of a wig? halo, hair extensions are also fake hair laa. okay, some are made with real hair, but still, its not YOUR hair right? somemore hair extensions are super troublesome cause you need to clip them on, piece by piece. and must conceal properly to make sure that its not seen. somemore it goddamn hurts okayyy!! especially when you got very little and thin hair like me =(

wear wig, so senang only. just take it out from the stand, put it onto your head. secure with pins if you're scared it will drop and be one of the top embarrassing moments of the year. see. life made easy =)

wigs are like fake eyelashes. so simple. its so difficult to have eyelash extensions, might as well just wear fake ones.what. you think your girlfriend's eyelashes are naturally so long and nice wan mehh? or you think mascara can make your eyelashes so perfect? plus. fake lashes are as common as wearing necklace or earrings now. so whats wrong with wigs? everyone should start wearing wigs and walk around with fab hair, like MINE! =)

mad lovee!!!

and i shall start going to work again tomorrow. have taken a break which is really long enough. i am poorerfor not working for the past two weekends. even poorer thanks to my overspending on drinking and impulsive shopping since i did not go to work and am too free =.=

thanks to self-pitying and my emo period.

but i'm glad i got over it already. =)

super motivated to go to work tomorrow. and to uni in the morning. got tons of work to catch up with. everybody say YAY! my life is back on track =)

easier said than done

though i promised to not cry, i did tonight.
and i had completely no control over the tears.


honestly, if you ask me.
i'ld tell you. i'm disappointed.
very much.


but i'll never have the guts to say.
only time and tears can tell.

the end. of the tears. the hopes. and the wait.

"because i want you to move on. stop hoping. and stop waiting."

your words ring in my head like an annoying bell. they were like a tight slap on my face. painful. yet, awakening. as hard as it is for me to digest it and accept the cold hard and cruel truth, you were right.

it is time i wake up from this illusion i live in.

this dream and all the hopes i have going on in my head, all my fantasies and sweet dreams.

i admit. i do have high expectations and high hopes. i do have this perfect lil world going on in my head. i refused to let go and move on.

i continued to live in the memories, in the dreams, hoping that someday it'll come true, even after you walked away.

in a lot of ways, i thought that it wouldnt hurt that much if i kept all these memories and hopes. but now i realise, that i live in a misery, feeling sorry for myself, crying day after day, hoping and waiting.

i guess you were right. until the day that i stop hoping and stop waiting, i can never move on. but all these while, i held on tightly and refused to let go.

i knew better than anyone else where we were heading. a dead end with either one or both of us hurt. and yet, i continued to hope. and wait.

there is no point in pointing fingers now, blaming each other on why things would never work out, neither is there any use in regretting mistakes in the past. things happen for a reason.

there was a reason we both crossed paths, a reason why we stuck together and there is a reason to why we parted ways. and i would say that the reason to all is actually the same.

which was to make each other's life better in various ways and to leave significant footprints in our hearts.

for the past one and half years, for happy, sad, blissful, resentful, tough times, for better or for worse, we've been through it all. it had been a worthwhile journey. and i would not change it. i believe everything happened for a reason.

there is always rainbow after a massive rain. and i suppose the rainbow after you walked away was that it opened a door,

a chance for me, and for the both of us to move on instead of continuing being stuck in a dead end, hurting ourselves and each other.

but all these while, i had been too busy feeling sorry for the broken dreams, reminiscing about the sunny days, trying to patch shattered hopes and crying over the rain to even notice or acknowledge the rainbow.

i will no longer sit by the window for hours wishing that you would come back. no longer cry through the night, hating sleeping alone. no longer leave the bedroom door unlocked and the lights on, hoping you would walk through the door. no longer sleep on my side of the bed wishing that i would wake up to find you beside me.

i will no longer send sad late night texts to make you feel awful. no longer listen to 'right here waiting' and all the sad songs playing on replay to remind myself about how lonely i am. no longer find pathetic reasons just to call you. no longer do stupid things just because i crave your attention.

i will no longer feel sorry for myself. the broken dreams. the shattered hopes. no longer wonder what 'could-have-been' and 'should-have-been'. no longer wonder what the future would be, had things not happen the way they had. no longer try to figure out 'how-to' make things better or change your mind. no longer cry over what has happened.

i will no longer waste my life away.

waiting for the day that you would come back.

as much as i hate walking away and dont want to move on, i know i have to, at some point, let go of the wonderful memories and start over.

it had been a great significant journey with you which i would cherish and remember for the rest of my life.

but the wait, the hopes, and the tears.

ends here.

tonight.

because i'll start smiling again tomorrow.

i still look forward to seeing you again, but i wont be wasting my life away crying and waiting anymore.

whatever happens, happens. whatever will be, will be.

waiting for you.

it's lonely nights like this which i feel the loneliest.

it's times like this which i need you the most to make me feel wanted and loved once again. =( i hate sleeping alone without you by my side. do know i miss you so much. happy birthday.

i want you by my side right now.

can we just turn back time to when we were so happy together? ='/








p/s: i cant wait for you to be back this week. dont crush my hopes please R. i refuse to sleep without you by my side. ='/

hopes

dont crush the hopes you give me
dont crush my expectations

i want to believe. i want to hope. and i want to wish
and i want all of it to come true. please.

dont crush my broken heart.
i still miss you. even much more than before.

i choose not to.

its not that i cant sleep tonight.
i just dont want to sleep in the dark alone.

its not that i cant forget him
i just dont want to let go of the memories

its not that i cant move on
i just dont want to. i choose not to.

because i miss him so much. so bad that it hurts.









come back please. ='/ if you read this, do know that i miss you every single day and night. i cant deal with this loneliness. tell me, you miss me too. what hurts more than you leaving, is not knowing when or whether you are ever coming back again. come back please ='/

sometimes...

i still try to tell myself that he's gonna come back real soon.
except that i know that i'm just cheating myself.
but i'd rather live in these false hopes than give up altogether.

the sun is up already. yet another new empty day.
i refused to sleep in the dark with a lingering sense of loneliness haunting me and i dont want to cry myself to sleep again ='/

empty.

is the feeling of coming home everynight to an empty house
the empty parking space where his car used to be
an empty chair where he always puts his wet towels on
the empty ashtrays without his cigarette butts
an empty table where he always puts his keys, phone and wallet
an empty cup where his toothbrush used to be
the empty spot where his shoes used to be
his empty laundry basket and his empty side of the closet
the empty spot where his toiletries used to be
his empty side of the bed, where he used to sleep everynight =/

an empty space in my heart, which he used to fill.

the emptiness he left behind when he walked away reminds me painfully, over and over again of how lonely and empty i feel right now. a part of me is gone, because he took it with him when he left. i'm just so tired. of crying and i cant anymore.

i miss him bad. so bad.

i dont want and i cant sleep alone in this cold empty bed without him. come back. please.

alone. all over again.

feel free to not read if you do not tolerate emo-ness.


and he finally left.

i have been crying the whole day and night. finally dozed off for a couple of hours in his arms last night after crying silently and cuddling with him, for probably the last time, till god knows when. i held his hand firmly, not wanting to let go, while i accompanied him to the airport. i braved myself and blinked back the tears all the while, not wanting him to see me cry, even while he checked-in for the flight. but i completely broke down when he walked me back to the bus. i hugged him so tight, bawling. he kissed me and waved me goodbye. i didnt want to look back because i didnt want him to see me crying this way.

i cried silently while i rode the bus back, alone this time. i spent the whole evening with darling ma crying and singing along to sad songs at redbox ktv. and the whole night downing liquor, beers, cocktails, champagnes and shooters at GSIX with my babes.and so i got drunk and vomitted so badly that my stomach hurt so much. the tears just didnt seem to stop flowing. i just cried my heart out and fell asleep in GSIX office, woke up around 3 completely sober again. with a stinging pain in my heart. knowing that he wont be there to pick me up and nag me all the way home for making a fool of myself like he always does whenever i get drunk.

and now here i am. alone all over again. in my room. on his side of the bed. wearing his tshirt and boxers. sobbing uncontrollably. flashbacks of our memories have been playing in my head the entire day. i miss him so bad. and every single thing seems to remind me of how lonely i am right now.

i've never felt so empty inside for a very long time. i cant sleep now that i'm sober. crying doesnt seem to fill the emptiness, it doesnt ease the pain i feel inside, nor does it make me feel any better, but its the only thing i can do right now.

please wake me up from this nightmare i'm living. come back to wipe my tears, kiss me goodnight and cuddle me to sleep. please. i'm so used to sleeping next to you and having you snore next to me. the silence and loneliness kills me. i dont want to sleep alone, without you, but i'll have to learn. ='/

helpless

is the feeling when you watch the clock tick away
and yet still hope that the time would freeze.
praying that tomorrow will never come ='/

say it isnt so. gareth gates.

Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow

I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore

Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming

That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

Ten to five atleast we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels

As I wish I never found you

How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on

Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again

*****************************************



because i know i wont be smiling when you're gone, neither will i be strong enough to carry on. i wont be able to keep to my promise to not cry, because i'm still holding on to the slighest bleak hope that you would say it isnt so and tell me you're not leaving. if you wanna know, i dont wanna let go ='/

struggling to adapt

to my darlings, ma and irene, thanks for the blog post. you know i love you girls to bits too and i do appreciate how lucky i am to live through the horrible crash.

people have been awfully nice to me, sympathetic and caring. i'm definitely not complaining bout it that people give me warm bear hugs when they see me, and being super sweet to offer me rides and take me out for dinners and everything. all the overwhelming calls and smses and fb comments, i know i am loved =)

i just thought of blogging to fill in the blanks about how am i coping with life now. honestly, it still hasnt knocked me that hard yet, since he drives me around. but i know its gonna be tough when he leaves, which i believe is pretty soon. i kick myself sometimes cause i hate myself for taking my car for granted, because now i know that its not gonna be easy.

people who know me well, know that i hate being dependant. i hate needing to beg or even ask repeatedly for a favour. i hate feeling like i owe people when they help me out in something, i hate feeling like i am a burden to others. which i feel like i am right now.

i know i should feel lucky instead of feeling depressed over the loss of material things. i do feel extremely blessed to escape an accident so bad, but at the same time, i think it should never had happened in the first place and i kick myself because it did. i know it happened beyond my control, but then again, had i been more careful, or think fast, or even be a bit more observant, these would not have even happened.

ah well. just a bit of ranting. i know i cant undo what's done and no amount of regrets would change what has already happened.

have been so busy with packing and shifting at the time being. for those who still havent know, i've shifted back to ss2 from shah alam. am currently still busy cleaning and unpacking and arranging my stuff. its unbelievable how much things i have, like seriously. urgh. its always nice to feel welcomed by my super sweet housemates.

other than that, i still feel like kicking myself whenever i feel like going out to buy something right away, or whenever i feel like going out for a drive, or whenever i feel like going somewhere, because i cant. i have to ask for a favour from others to pick me or grab a cab. i feel SOOOO handicapped. like seriously. i've never felt so handicapped in my life, as i do right now. =(

gotta get home now and tend to my darling toy toy before he throws a tantrum. hope to be able to blog real soon cz my laptop is being super retard and unable to connect to the internet. urgh.

ciao.

i do hope things would get better. still keeping my fingers crossed for good things to happen. its a bad start to 2010 already. please dont get any worse =/

time will heal

my heart sank to know that a loved one of a friend passed away last saturday.

it hit me once again. that nothing is permanent. life is short. and very fragile. one moment he's there. the next he's not. when you least expected it.


i cried. hearing her trembling voice trying to hold back her tears. reading her blog noting every single emotion she's going through. i feel her pain.


seven months has passed since He passed me by.


time has healed a huge part of me. and of us who were devastated by his death. i wouldnt say that time can completely heal something as awful as the passing of a loved one, but time definitely made me realise a lot of issues and forced me to accept reality. it doesnt mean it's much easier now. lonely tearful nights still seem to drag on forever.


i know how it feels to cry myself to sleep every single night regretting not doing enough. regretting taking him forgranted. i blamed myself for causing his death. crying till i just had no strength to cry anymore. drinking till i was so drunk and wasted just so that the pain would go away. refuse to talk about it because i dont want symphaties and i dont want people to judge me. imagining things and seeing terrible visions of his bloody dead body, even when i sleep, i see him in my dreams. i've gone through it all. the pain is still imminent. it is slowly fading away, but it still lingers.


although 7months has passed now, and life still goes on; although i am no longer as broken as i used to, i still lay at night sometimes, thinking of him. missing him. and wondering what life would be, had he not pass us by. i still shed a tear or two regretting what had happened.


the only way you can move on is to untangle the knot in your heart, yourself, and let time heal the pain, which only you can feel. i know now, that moving on doesnt mean forgetting. it simply means you can accept reality and have to keep living your life for the both of you. which i have and am striving to do.

i know now, that there's nothing i can do to make him come back, but he'll live in my memories forever.



if you ask me, how did i forget and let go of him?


all i can say is that,



i never did. and i never will.

but i HAVE and WANT to live this life,
for the both of us.



good luck to you, girl.
and know that you're not alone



love and hugs,
viv

heartsink

ever had

the feeling like you feel your heart sinks to the bottom, the way it does when u're on a roller coaster ride and it unexpectedly dives all the way down. only a thousand times worse.

the feeling where you are physically so numb that you cant even feel your limbs or hands or your feet, as if your nerves are disconnected.

the feeling where you cant even breathe properly as if you're suffocated in a small place with no oxygen supply

the feeling whereby something awful is going to happen and your heart pumps exceptionally fast. something like your sixth sense tingling with bad feeling.

the feeling where you get so nauseous and dizzy, as if on the verge of fainting. except that you are completely conscious.

the feeling where you want to cry so bad but somehow your tear glands are dysfunctional.

the feeling where you're completely broken and devastated and yet you just cant cry no more. where you try not to think about it anymore but your mind and body refuses to cooperate.

this is how heartsink feels. the way i feel it, whenever i just feel so numb from the emotions playing me and just cant cry anymore. its amazing how overwhelming/lack of emotions can affect you wellbeing.

no matter how numb you think you are. the pain still lingers. still stings.

friends?

friends do not betray friends' trust. period.

walk to the park

it rained the whole day today.
the rain finally stopped at about 5 and i decided to bring my 8month old darling for a walk. he's been itching to go out so bad. i lost my temper yesterday and ended up smacking him very badly =( it broke my heart
not because of seeing him shiver in fear but rather because he doesnt appreciate the stuff i do
just to keep him by my side. keep him safe.
okay fine. i'm not supposed to be angry. he's not even human. and he's still a little puppy just wanting to go out. but sigh.

most of the time, i'ld carry him when we go out because i dont want dirty paw prints all over the floor and on my bed. it really made me smile to see him so happy and excited to go out today and be able to run free he would run far in front of me chasing people on bicycles, and when he sensed that it's a bit too far, he'll then run all the way back to jump into my arms. i just cant help but fall deeper in love with this tiny little furball.

sometimes it's really tough managing him. it's not nice coming home greeted by a wet messy ugly dog, and a house smelling like dog wee and having to pick his poop. it's not nice to see all my stuff bitten to pieces and having to pick all the bits of furniture and papers scattered on the floor. and when he becomes really really annoying and barks to no end. but it's little things like the little cute things he does, the way he licks me when i rub his tummy, the way he comes up to me for a lil cuddling, and the times when i wake up to see him fast asleep next to me with his head resting on my shoulder and on paw over my arm, which reminds me again, that i cant live without him.

******
i like long walks alone. especially when it's cold and windy outside.
it gives me space to think.
as i walked in the rain, i thought. i cried.
i sat on the swing with him on my lap, rocking back and forth
it somehow made me realise.
that it is wonderful moments which i cherish. and hold on to.
sometimes things are awful and when i just want to give up pursuing things which will never work out, i pause and think.
of all the great moments.

sometimes, the best thing to do when everything is silently breaking apart,
is to ignore. and pretend that it's not.
partly because i have no other choice if i didnt want to lose out, and also
because i'ld rather live in a beautiful lie, then in the brutal ugly truth.

someone once told me,
it's better to give up. than to go in circles, pursuing something which clearly has no ending.
i beg to differ.
sometimes we go on paths which leads us nowhere, circles and triangles, and back to square one.
but we still go on that very path. taking every step slowly, savouring every beautiful moment, wishing it'll last forever, and ignoring the fact that the future is bleak. and the only place it would lead to. is a place of disappointment and heartbreak.
why? we ask.
because its those very beautiful moments
which make us feel it's worth all the shit.


and right now, this is how i feel.
of all the stories and lies and heartbreaking truth i find out and all the shit.
i choose to ignore.
i choose to smile and pretend.
because i know,
i'ld rather live in a lie. in a second chance.
than to have everything fall apart.
i'd rather be wishing those beautiful moments could last forever
wishing that the end would never come,
i'ld rather live in denial
than to know that it's over.

because sometimes,
it is easier to pretend. than it is to give it all up.

i wiped my tears and smile again.
it's really comforting to take long walks alone. (well, not EXACTLY alone.)

***
the love of my life.

toy toy loves mummy too=)

neglected friends.

a friend called last night. asking me about another mutual friend, if i talked to her. if she's alright. he told me she cried. he told me she had issues. he told me she didnt know who to talk to and she felt lonely.

it broke me.

the first thing that came to mind, was if she's ok.

the second thing, was why. why didnt she call me? why does she feel she is alone?
why do i always get to know that things happened to the people closest to me, via another person? am i not the person she would call whenever anything happens, be it good or bad?

i guess i can only blame myself because i dont really care that much anymore. i spend less time talking to people whom i used to be very close with because i am too engrossed with my own life and new friends. i am too caught up in my own selfish world.

it's not that i dont value friendship. i do. in fact, friends are the number one priority in my heart. i might not spend that much time contacting and talking to old friends, but it doesnt mean i dont care anymore.

it doesnt mean i've forgotten.

i still miss you guys.

i still care.

but it's just human nature that people tend to drift apart. people tend to move on. i'm sorry i'm one of them. i think what really matters in friendship is that we both know that we both still care, even without the occasional text messages and forwarded emails, or shopping plans and late night suppers. you're still in my heart.

all i can say to her is that i'm sorry she felt i wasnt there. i'm always here for her, be it whether she realises it or not. even though sometimes i tend to be in the background like i dont really care, i still do. and it hurts me to know that she feels i dont anymore.

for friends which i've neglected, do know i still miss you guys.

sometimes i lay at night, wondering how are you doing? wondering if you still think bout me. wonder if you're smiling or crying tonight. wonder if you would want to share your joy or sorrow with me.

i still care and love you guys.
and i dont want to die lonely.

sorry for MIA for so long

yes. i know i've not been blogging much. thank you though for friends who had texted me or sent me messages on my msn asking if i'm okay and why i dont blog anymore. and am so sorry for certain reasons, i did not reply. to justify myself would just show what an ass i have been. thank you though for tolerating and putting up with me. i'm fine btw.

a whole month has passed, with me being disconnected from most people. losing and gaining friends. exposed to a scary D world of dollar bills, drugs, danger, dirty sex, dumb people, dreaded sins, dark secrets and everything else which i could never imagine. a place where money buys your dignity, your pride and the whole of you. and everything else you have left which money cant buy, is taken away by drugs.

went through a confused state, stuck where i simply was lost without directions and didnt know what life meant anymore. went through an emotional roller coaster, from being depressed to being this angry resentful beast into a sad loner to being absolutely cold and distant, and now finally, carefree and happy.

through this whole phrase, dark chocs, alcohol and more alcohol has helped me cope in tremendous ways. despite how much people condemn me for how much i've been drinking and am drinking, it enabled me to stay sane instead of submitting to my emotions and feelings and breaking apart. it helps me sleep better and when i'm sober, i am able to think clearly without being influenced by my emotions, which is definitely working out for me.

sometimes it helps to talk to other people, but most of the time, i dont. there are actually a thousand and one unposted drafts on my blog and in my laptop. it's like a diary i keep for me to confide my deepest secrets and feelings. it does feel better to spill out and talk about stuff, but just to myself. not because i cant trust people nor because they cant relate to my life. but rather because, i chose not to.
i choose to take long drives along the highway alone listening to slow alternative rock and ballads and runaway from reality.
i choose to sleep and for a couple of hours, just not have anything to worry over.
i choose to drink so it keeps me high and not think for a couple of hours.
i choose to focus on my daily life and ignore everything else.
i choose to be with carefree positive friends so that their energy, enthusiasim and optimism rubs onto me.
i choose to not talk nor think bout issues and i guess somehow, hope the knots just untangle themselves and fade away painlessly.

in a way, i think it really does helps me to heal.

and i think i am starting to believe that hopes are like butterflies, the more you chase them, the further they go. once you are able to sit back and relax, they start coming to you. things are working out for me. in a really unexpected way. when i thought i lost it all, it comes back to me. i just want to stay here, this moment forever, as i cherish everything which is falling in place nicely for me.

Hopes which I held on for so long, wishing that some day would come true, finally came true. Things and people whom I wish would change, changed. Feelings which I wished would go away, faded gradually. My wildest fantasies which I never thought I would have the chance to fulfil, was finally fulfilled. Things are really working out for me, the way I want it to. for now, am just gonna leave all the memories behind and live in the present.

not holding back the past, nor chasing the future. just cherish and enjoy what life has to offer.

the less memories you keep, the less painful life is.

honestly, i'ld rather live in this cold distant world, rather than going through confusing rollercoaster phrases of different different emotions. i am going to blog more often now. do be patient with me =)

anyway, in case you people have forgotten me, the vain camwhore queen is BACK!!!

cheers for now =)

summary of a whole night of crying

These tears never seem to end. Can someone please take away the pain? Did I deserve to feel this way? it was no one’s fault, but things happened and we were made to face all these shit. I need you to be strong for me and help me heal.

I know you’re hurt too.

But how can you say that I am making things difficult for you when all I ever wanted to do was to ease the pain I brought to you? when all I wanted was for you to let me into your world and not shut me out like this just because you need to heal by being alone.

How can you say I don’t understand? I suffered the most and I am in as much, if not, a million times more, pain than you are in. And yet I have to be strong for you. and pretend that I am fine to not add to your grief. I am really not that tough you know.

You need to be alone to heal, I need you to heal.

No matter how much it hurts me, I am gonna give you what you need to heal, your time and space. But I am compromising my own peace. i am not doing this because I am selfless, but rather because I want you to know that I understand that it isn’t just about me or just about you.

It’s about healing the both of us, who are broken apart, devastated by his death.

But please don’t take too long to heal. I need you to back me up and support me because I cant be hanging on any much longer. we’re in this together. Please don’t shut me out and say I don’t understand.

I feel as much pain as you do.