F*cked up

is when you sleep at 6am
and wake no earlier than 2pm
almost everyday

is when you cant be disciplined enough
to drag yourself to class in the morning
even though its just three days a week

is when you spend you days
slacking and doing nothing
and still feel so fatigue and tired

is when you have a ton of things to do
and issues to settle
yet still waste your life away

is when you hate how fat and ugly you are
yet still stuff your face with fat foods
and not be motivated to start dieting

is when you hate how your life is becoming
yet do nothing about it

is when you cant be motivated enough to work
though you have the perfect 5hour decent job
paying what others earn in 40odd hours

is when you just dont seem to care bout everything
or be affected by anything
anymore

is when you complain bout how
monotonous your life is
despite it being so eventful

is when you cant be bothered
to even talk to your family nor go home anymore
to even spend time bonding with your loved friends

is when you have no motivation, no passion
no ambition, no discipline, in your life
and no drive to change the way things are

is when you dont even know
who you are..
where you're heading...
what you want out of your life...

yeap. hi.

WELCOME to my fucked up life
*grins*

p/s: am not emo. just thinking bout how fcked up my life has became and how meaningless it is becoming. urgh. someone knock me out of these nonsense.

frustrated

over-editted picture of yours truly =) but i like ~

its the time of the month again, and i am frustrated. every single thing seems to get on my nerves. like when brainless morons call early in the morning with random unknown numbers and ASK ME WHO I AM. WTF. you dont call someone and ask the person who he/she is. and i barely just fell asleep, hence i was extra annoyed. and he seemed to not get it and kept calling again and again. f his life. pleasepleaseplease PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME EARLY IN THE MORNING, or before 2pm, for NO APPARENT REASON.

everybody knows i'm extra cranky in the morning.

only if its really important and really urgent like if someone i love is locked up in jail/ admitted into ER (choy!), or for good reasons like i won 1millionUSD jackpot or if some filthy rich man wants to marry/ splurge on me right away. the reason can wait, so do WAIT.

even the AC in my room not cold enough also seem to kao kao annoy me. okay laa, its not HOT, its just not COLD despite being at its fullest already. fml. and tons of mosquitos in the house cause apparently i 'forgotten' to close the windows last evening. plus, i got no mosquito repellents nor sprays. fml.

i'm like seriously frustrated. especially sexually. everyone knows that women are horniest when they are menstruating. okay laa, not ALL women. i suppose most virgins wont feel horny when they are menstruating since they dont know how good sex makes them feel anyway, no? but sexually active women with high libido do. being deprived of sexual satisfaction and big O's does not help either.

i am starting to think that mood swings related to periods are actually due to sexual frustration. not much of period itself cause having period isnt that hard to deal with. but being deprived of big O's and sexual satisfaction is.

okay la, you still can have sex during your period. but the whole mess, blood all over, and high risk of std? no thanks. i suppose i wont die if i wait another week. but do expect emotional breakdowns and lots of mood swings.

all i do all day is sleep in late, wake up, munch on dark chocs, online and watch tv, read womens' mags on tips to achieve the big O and then, get even more sexually frustrated by reading erotic stories/blogs and not being able to get it off. SIGH.

on a happier note, it gives me a reason to have back massages to ease the soreness in my lower back during period. reason to hog the massage chair all day! reason to do nothing all day! maybe its just pure laziness speaking =)




on a random note, been reading some erotic blogs lately, and i stumbled upon one particular blog which made me change my perspective on a lot of things. like one-night-stand phenomenon/ win-win arrangements and gold-digging culture.

warning: explicit/ controversial content. not meant for the faint hearted, narrow minded and shallow morons.

first of all, i am NOT in any way encouraging vice activities and indulging in sexual acts, prostitution and whoring out your body for materialistic things. if you choose to read, do read with an open mind, if not, goodbye and leave. thankyouverymuch.

lets face it. this is no longer the 60s where pre-marital sex is frowned upon and offenders are drown by villagers in pig cages or tied up in trees where fellow villagers curse and stone them to death.

sex is like.... um, alcohol? some people drink, some dont. it is a choice. those who drink get an extra high out of life, while those who dont, well, dont lose anything anyway. alcohol spices up your life, without it, your life is just plain mundane dull and boring. the same works for sex. it is accepted as long as you are old enough to have sex, or to drink in this case, as long as there is mutual consent between the adults and as long you do enjoy it responsibly. nobody, except the narrow-minded, will take offense. this is 2010, sex is so common and no longer a taboo where virgin brides are almost extinct!

those who are still saving yourselves for marriage? good for you. but are you sure that your future spouse will do the same? for all you know, your future husband was going on a fuck marathon banging willing girls all the way while you sit home depriving yourself of YEARS of pleasures and convince yourself that you will find an awesome virgin husband. and for the virgin boys who sit home hoping you'll one day score a good lil virgin girl? she had the head start and was in ecstasy having orgasms and having her desires, needs and fantasies fulfilled.

so live life to the fullest! but that's not my point.

if you are going to have sex with someone, might as well get the most out of it.

if you are there is chemistry between you and the gorgeous guy who is sexually attracted to you, AND he has the means and is willing to provide financial assistance, why not??

i am not saying that you should compromise or make 'beneficial arrangements' prior to the good time, or roughly said as, 'negotiating the price'. sex should be for mutual enjoyment and pleasures and there shouldnt be elements of force, coercion, undue influence or materialistic expectations. any extra bonus, other than achieving the big O, is solely up to two adult's discretion.

note this! there is a fine line between having sex for the money and getting money for the sex.

when you have sex for the money, money is your main concern and you are in a way selling yourself. this is how prostitutes work, they give sex (complimentary) in exchange for the money. like when someone pays you to do something, you are COMPELLED and OBLIGATED to help him.

getting money for sex is totally different because sex is your main concern. the financial assistance is complimentary. its like a token of appreciation for the good time. like when you tip a waiter for her impeccable service. the tip is complimentary for the service. offering money for sex is where you feel satisfied and appreciate the girl that you buy her gifts or give her financial assistance for more practical reasons.


makes more sense? give you two seconds to digest.








one.








two.







okay. say, if you are put in a position where you do go home with that someone, and the next day, he offers you money, enough for your rent, monthly expenses and two extra pairs of shoes. why not? honestly, when i was younger, i have been offered 'assistance' and 'gifts', but i took offense and felt offended by the gesture cause i did not want to feel like i whored myself out. but if you do read the blog and try and think rationally instead of flipping, you would think ' why not? '.


girls let their boyfriends/suitors/admirers/husbands buy them dinners and buy them gifts, whether little or expensive ones, in return of their 'love', commitment, time, sex or whatever reasons it is. it is acceptable because it just IS THE WAY THINGS ARE. so why is it not okay to let the guy who fucked you last night take you shopping and buy that expensive gucci you were dying for.

you see, even if feminists fight for womens' equality, liberation, independence and what nots, we still love men to pamper us. it just is the way things are. we want to be able to go out and work and have equal rights with our male counterparts and have our opinions heard and not have people being gender biased or discriminate us. but then, at the end of the day, we still want men to protect us, still want men to bring home the bread, still want men to love and pamper us. after all, we are the ones who are making the babies aren't we?

so why is our conservative community so defensive when it comes to girls accepting 'assistance' and 'tips' offered to them by men who appreciate the 'good times' they shared? if you do think about it rationally, it is very much similar aint it?

of course, accepting someone's gift doesnt compel you to do anything at all if you dont want to in the first place. but if you did have a good time with that someone with little expectations, and he DOES initiate/ offers to pay your rents and fuel your shopping needs, why not? think of it this way, you deserved it.

perks of being a female.


i mean, its okay for waiters to accept tips from patrons who appreciate their service. why is it not okay for women to accept tips from studs who appreciate their sensuality and femininity?


people who are defensive with this whole gold digging culture are the ugly and those who have not been lucky enough to be 'appreciated', and those who are poor to not be able to afford to 'appreciate' good times this way. and those who are just cannot get the hang of it and plain stubborn and refuse to digest the fact that this is how the world revolves, like it or not.

you dont see the beneficiaries complaining, dont you?

the world is unfair. suck it up people.


love, viv.

future lawyers my ass.

awesome choc for mood boost. and this shit is seriously addictive!

uni reopened. and my lecture timetable is perfect. =) no 9am classes. yay! without ungodly 8am/9am classes, there is no need to wake up 2hours prior to beat the traffic and crap like that. yay!!! in fact, monday and wednesdays start at 10, while tuesday and thursdays start at 2pm!!! wooottt =D

just when i thought that this academic year would be great, ah. things come crashing.

i'm just so annoyed with the kiasu-ness and selfishness of some fellow coursemates. we have online registration system whereby priority is given to final year students, then third year, and so on.

compulsary courses are a breeze but fighting for your electives/minors is a pain in the ass. when final year students and fellow third year coursemates start 'booking' and holding on to electives for their 'buddies' and juniors, this is when it gets REALLY irritating. whats the point of giving priority to seniors to choose electives first, when in the end, it really is a race of kiasu-ness.

seriously. just take whatever you want/need. and leave it. quit booking and holding on the limited places for electives for the juniors. if everyone else can wait till their rightful turn to register for their courses, why cant they?

friends, even mum is telling me to go with the 'trend' and get seniors to book electives for me. fuck it la. this whole ' if you cant beat them, join them '' mentality seriously gets on my nerves. if everyone starts going with the flow, why dont we stop having laws and rules and whatever system to govern us since no one follows it anyway?

fuck it. you people are future lawyers acting like immature idiots afraid of running last in a rat race, perghh. future lawyers my ass.

oh. and our tutorials registration system. briefly, it is done manually whereby there are about 8-9 tutorial classes of different time slots to choose from and normally lecturers tryyy to do it in the fairest way possible. usually done randomly where students are given queue numbers and are expected to follow their queue in choosing their classes. of course, if you are unlucky, you will most probably end up with no choice but odd unwanted time slots. too bad then but that's life aint it?

what really annoyed me today was when some jokers started jumping the queue/ asking people to book places for them, and other smarty pants start to write/book/register time slots for their friends. again. kiasu, selfish, irritating and childish.

if everyone else can wait for their turn, why cant you?!!?

EVERYONE wants the 'nicer', 'more convenient' time slots. so stop being hypocrites by saying you say you want fair random procedures while you quietly plotting away with some other joker to make a fool out of the others who wait in their queue.

when really, you are just afraid that you will lose out if it were 'first come first served' basis. future lawyers my ass.

at the end of the day, everyone is selfish and afraid of losing out. stop acting like you are 'oh-so-innocent' and 'just-wanna-protect-yourself-from-being bullied'.

i still will NOT succumb to peer pressure of jumping the queue.

if you cant even be true to yourself and follow SIMPLE rules and procedures like this to be 'fair' to other people, i think you should drop out of law school and quit dreaming of fighting for 'justice' for other people because you cant even be fair to your coursemates.

if while you read this, you're thinking i'm just a naive lil girl who doesnt know how to play tactics to survive this unfair world, well fuck you. lets see who gets to the end then.

yes, i am obviously very pissed. future lawyers my ass. puii!! every year during registration, i am amused. with how these jokers make fools out of themselves.

being complete disgrace while potraying the true meaning of selfishness and kiasu-ness. *rolls eyes*

ah well.


xoxo, viv.

dumdedum

got shitloads of overdue pictures i want to bomb you people with. but blogger is being super gay. have been trying the whole day and night. but to no avail. or is it my broadband? btw, can someone tell me how to edit pictures with mac?

super dulan the whole day today over some stupid issues and brainless things bastards say. ah well. nevermind, i got a whole bag of dark chocolates and chilled beer for my daily dose of happiness.


=)

now that i've came to my senses, i have realized that it really isn't my problem is it? i'm not the one in a whole lot of shit. look who is laughing now. hmph.

anger management

i'm trying to blog to keep my mind off some stuff and stay sane. been really moody lately for no apparent reason. seems like every little thing gets on my nerves.

and i think i tend to be abusive when i lose my cool, like how i am towards my irritating lil dog.

i dont know how to keep it all in anymore, neither do i know how to release it properly.

its gonna be another mad busy night tonight tending to all the fucked up rich bastards again. it annoys me that some idiots are so stuck up and think their few thousand dollars can buy anyting they want and be treated like a king. puhh-leeese.

god please keep me calm and sane before i lose control and shove their platinum cards down their throats and rolls of thousand dollar bills up their assholes.

i'm suddenly craving for icy cold ribena.

oh and i just smacked my dog like no one's business for not sitting still. so i'ld better sleep it off before i kill him for provoking all these anger built up within.

just so you know you're not welcomed here.

no need to publish a post on your blog
just to bombard me over something I wrote
this is my blog and i write whatever i want
for people who want to read and for people who care.
dont like? fuck off. no need for sarcasm.
and why are you still anouymously stalking my blog if you dont like what i write
dont need your approval, dont need unnecessary allegations or name-calling
i dont blog about your cheap ways, immature behaviour, and big talk
all your imaginary non existant bragging about
big businesses, awesome job, luxury condos, big cars, big vacations, big money, gorgeous chicks, perfect life and whatsoever

while you're still driving the same junk you did,
still stuck with the same job you hate,
still earning as little as you always did,
still as cheap and stingy as you have always been,
still as immature to think people believe the crap you shit about,
still living the shitty life which you obviously hate,
and ohyeah, still not getting laid.

silently wishing that chicks believe your bragging and lies
silently wishing you really had that 'perfect' life
and wishing you had MY life.
which is why you are so resentful over things i write about MY life,
which doesnt even concern YOU at all, in the first place.

so while you think to yourself as you're reading this,
"is she talking about me?"
when you clearly know it's you i'm talking about
and while you frantically try to structure a sacarstic comeback
all i have to say is.

fuck you. get a life.
urgh. you disgust me seriously.

why, oh why?!?

i've been staring at my akon tickets which had been sitting on my bedside table collecting dust for a whole month now, anticipating to party with babygirl Irene at the upcoming beach party rocked by Akon, scheduled on this thursday.

and WTF is wrong with Akon? =(

now he says that he wants to postpone it to the 24th of October?!?!

#$%@!*!@&#(*@^}

i dont want refunds.

i dont want a postponed concert.

i dont want 24th october

i dont want to wait another 3 fuckin months.

i want to go for the goddamn concert.

and i want to go for it on this thursday.

grrrrr...

somebody please kidnap Akon here for me? pleasseeee...

okay.

enough ranting. i made my point. i am upset and uber disappointed.

because i made plans and i have been anticipating this event for a looonnngggg time. =(

i made plans to go back to kl on wednesday. and because akon's concert is postponed. daddy insists that i only go back to kl on sunday. of course i can always take the bus down to kl first since daddy wont let me drive my car back alone on the weekdays when he is not free to accompany me.

but then again, why go through so much fuss?

this weekend happens to be a 'happening' week with plans =( a weekend i've been looking forward to.

for ladies night with allen's buddies at barcelona on thursday after akon's concert,

and for elayne's birthday party at Quattro on fri night,

an uber-hot pic of me and elayne, who's turning 19 this weekend, making the guys go gaga =)

i have a growing fascination and chemistry towards women. but just pure physical attraction to the hawt ones with long gorgeous locks, luscious lips and curves to lust after =) especially those hot asses. *slaps self*

nahh. i'm still straight and very turned on by men with pumped manly chest and arms =)

and btw, why do men fantasize bout threesome with two women who are bisexual? why isnt two hawt straight women in a threesome enough for them? why does the threesome has to involve intimate contact between the women? why isnt it enough for both women to be 'focused' on the man and not to involve with any lesbo acts with the other girl? women dont fantasize bout threesome with two bisexual guys. threesome with two straight guys is good enough. so why are girls expected to be bisexual? selfish men.

okayy. i'm being sooo random. lol.

and staying over with buddy adrian whom i havent seen for a loooonnnggg time

and plans for saturday nite out, made with jonathon and the singaporeans who are coming to kl again this weekend to party with kenzo, the hawt korean guy and gang =)

i am soooo sorry=(

sigh. oh well.

i'll be a good girl and stay home with mum till the end of the week.

on a lighter note,

this is what two months of well deserved break of staying home to relax and unwind did to me =)

(dont mind the make-up-less face and uncombed bed-hair)

tata eye bags and dull dark skin and tired-ness.

hello to healthy glow and smiles (provided that i had good sleep and am in a good mood =.='')

ah well. see?

number one sign of maturity --- saying no to late nights out and learning to staying home =)

ps: second sign of maturity --- i know how to change a car tyre already =)

pss: third sign of maturity --- learning to eat tasty big onions in my food and instead of throwing em all out of the plate. =))

psss: i am talking to both jonathon and alane. and i am thinking that i'll still go down on friday anyway >.<

waking up on the wrong side of bed

most of the time, or rather, all of the time, i get mad and upset over the silliest and smallest things ever. it all starts when i didnt sleep well the night before. or wake up to find that someone left the curtains open or lights on. or when my aircon/fan is switched off.

i get especially moody, upset and snappy when i wake up involuntarily to noises like construction works or irritating dogs barking or people talking or music or other people's alarm clock or just any noise at all. and my whole day is completely screwed. like today.

i woke up to mum screaming on top of her lungs and throwing a tantrum like a kid complaining bout everything and anything which she didnt like, like the fact that i am on holiday and have nothing to do. and am always sleeping when she leaves for work and when she came home from work. hello. i didnt sleep through it all okay? and what is it with being upset and angry just because someone else is free and you're not?

urgh. women and their jealousy. lol.

anyways, as expected. i had an awful day. everything seemed to get on my nerves. even when my car aircon takes 2mins to cool the car when i want to drive in the noon. and when i cant crack my knuckles though they feel awfully numb. and when radio deejays keep yakking non stop and keep playing crap songs. and when my laptop takes forever to start. and when i step on my unpacked bags lying on the floor. and when irritating people keep making misscalls and sending endless pointless messages. and when burger rush is slow to react to clicks. and the list goes on and on.

did i mention that i realised that i am a horrible driver. i am terribly impatient. like seriously. honestly, i dont think i'm much of a competent driver. but people tend to try to bully me on the road just because i'm a young girl driving with a P sticker. people try to squash me out of the road and cut my queue. like today.

wtf is wrong with these people? and i'm not a slow driver, mind you.

and i do get very irritated with drivers who are inconsiderately slow, thinking that the road belongs to their grandpas. and indecisive drivers who swerve from right to left and back again, or leave their signals on when they dont intend to turn. wtf! or when people dont move forward when the car in front has moved or when they leave huge gaps to allow other inconsiderate people to cut the queue. what is wrong with these people?!?

and people who are constantly dreaming. come on. move immediately when the green light is on larh people! what on earth is the counter for if you people continue to dream as if you dont know when the light is going to turn green. green means go okay? not start to put away your newspaper or pda or compact mirror and take your own sweet time to move. these people are so fucking brainless and selfish. and people who stop suddenly in the mid of the road. hello. people following behind you will be stuck when you do that wan okay? urgh. the worst is following behind a motorcyclist who rides in the middle of the road. urgh.

i can go on ranting forever. but i'm not. being upset over everything is tiring. really.

okay. i seriously need to try and sleep before i start getting mad at another stupid thing. goodnight.

fuck you

i hate myself because i let my feelings take over me
i hate you because you are so disconnected
i hate myself for being in the position where i am vulnerable
i hate you because you make me feel this way
i'm sorry you thought i have no feelings like you, cause you were wrong. i am losing this game we played because i am starting to be too attached. i hate you. i hate myself. most of all, i hate what we have becomed.
i was wrong to think i was tough enough for this crazy game when i should have known i would be the one crying in the end. when i just thought everything was just starting, i was the stupid one. cause the game ended before i even realised it.
i played fair in this game where you cheated your way through and played me like a fool. but if you thought i was gonna cry and grief over my loss, you were wrong. you should be the one grieving over YOUR loss. i will and i swear i will make you feel sorry for the shit you do to me.

urinary track infection

urgh. i hate my body when shit happens.

it's bad enough to have been struggling with flu for god-knows-how-many-weeks already, and now, this? urgh. i am so frustrated. i'm having UTI, urinary track infection. if you think it's a deadly disease because i dont keep my cipet clean, fuck you. seriously, fuck you.

it's a bacteria infection which affects any part of the urinary tract. i was so freakin scared that my kidney was affected and would bring back the deadly kidney failure i survived when i was a kid. symptoms show that my kidney is fortunately not affected, my bladder is.

among the symptoms i am experiencing from bladder infection are frequency urination, causing the urgency to pee every few minutes and yet there is very little/no urine; pain and burning sensations throughout the urethra track; and having pus and blood in urine. i only started to freak out when the blood pee-ing started. gawd, it FUCKIN hurts like mad. seriously.

UTI is the second most common type of infection in the body and mild UTI happens to half of the women in the world, it's a matter of seriousness and 1 of 5 women in the world would need trips to the clinic thanks to UTi at one point of their lives. and why on earth does it has to happen to me? grrrrr.... and mum started the whole sex talk again. apparently UTI is triggered by many reasons like not drinking enough water, food allergies, hygiene and sexually active women are very prone to UTI. =.='' so here goes the whole, "dont fuck around, you're still very young" talk =.=''

it may be also because my immune system is lower due to kidney problems when i was young, thus causing UTI. and the doctor said it is most probably cause i dont drink enough water okay? why does every freaking problem which occurs below the waist has to be linked to sex? =.=''

i dont deal with pain very well. i think i am sorta 'unstable' when dealing with pain. i start with being very disconnected and quiet. then i start talking about it to baby. and i start complaining. a bit too much. and then i start singing for no reason at all. just to keep my mind off the pain. i talk to myself. whispering and talking out loud about things which dont make sense. i become death-paranoid. i lock myself. i sing again. i come out and talk to him, about nothing at all. just crapping whatever goes through my mind. then when he starts getting less interested, i get mad for no reason. i let out anger on the walls and my stuff. i have monologues which i speak out loud, talking and replying myself. then i become very quiet and refuse to talk. i think my puppy monster felt my tension and started to go crazy also. he started running around like mad and being uncontrollable and making mad noises which drove me crazy. it in turn made me lose my cool and scream at the lil pup like i was mad and hit him with my bolster and then i fall apart and cried. sigh. cant i just deal with pain like everyone else, just cry and get over with it?

i sat in the toilet for one whole hour trying to study, thank god that the aircon blows straight into the attached bathroom and thank god for toilet bowls. i cant imagine needing to squat for one whole hour pee-ing 2 drops every 10 seconds. and luckily i had babygirl irene to talk to, if not i would still be stuck in the bathroom going through crazy pain and agony because i thought doctors would make me stay in the hospital. lol. apparently all i needed was just a few tablets and solubles =.=''

despite going to the clinic at 2am yesterday and paying an over-priced consultation fee and taking medications and drinking tons of water, it still fucking hurts. gah. please make it go away =( at least i dont need to sit in the toilet all the time. still hurts darn much though. =(

the day where everything went wrong

yeah. havent been blogging a lot lately. was in genting for the weekends. enjoyed myself so much that i really didnt want to go back.

yesterday was a big day. lawnite finally came. after 8months ( or more ) slaving around as one of the committee members preparing for the big event which finally happened yesterday. and everything which happened yesterday was disastrous. a day which i wish never happened to me.

3am- burnt my lawnite dress
went and iron my dress. once it touched my dress, it burnt. and the heat level was only 3. wtf. damn the rusty and spoilt iron which burnt my dress.

5am- damn azan was so freaking loud
and woke me up. can't they be more considerate and not scream through the speakers early in the morning?

7am- dragged myself out of bed

9am- oral test postponed again
why cant i just get done with it? grr..

9.30am- left english class early
and waited for senior's cars to fetch us to the hotel

11am- finally reached the hotel.
sent my burnt dress for dry cleaning at hotel. which cost a bomb. and slaved around like mad. folding papers. preparing 400 goodies bags.

1pm- went for hairdo which was sponsored by the hair saloon.
which i felt was really ugly. and felt cheated for having to pay extra rm10 for a spinkle of gold dust on my hair. wtf? the stylist didnt even ask me if i wanted the glitter or not.

2pm- went and did my eyebrows at the beauty parlour.
which was disastrous. the girl over plucked my brows.

2.30pm- returned to hotel
to work as slaves again. and did the dumbest thing of having to stick correction stickers cause a VIP's name was printed wrongly as Dato' instead of Dato' Seri. wtf. who would notice anyway?

5pm- finally got to go the hotel room to dress up
collected my dress from the laundry. it was stil stained although it was less obvious already. wtf. disastrous. at least i managed to fix make up for myself. i am really not a helpful person. how do you expect me to help make up for other people if i cannot even manage myself within the crazy one hour?

6pm- rushed down to the ballroom
did some last minute rehersal and sound check for my solo singing performance. and rushed to usher people.

8pm- dropping falsies
due to the make-up time restaint, i didnt manage to stick on my false eyelashes nicely. and i kept needing to go to the restrooms to fix it again and again. wtf. 4inch pumps were killing my feet.

8.30pm- event finally started
sound system and all the technical stuff were a mess. a huge mess.

9.30pm- my performance was cancelled
i was waiting backstage already and my performance was just 2minutes away. the performance bureau head came over and told me that he had to cancel my performance due to time constraint. as if 4 minutes would make any difference anyway.

11pm- guests leaving in the middle of the event
people just left. cause all the food were served already. there were so many more performances and events. =.=''

the list is getting a bit too long. so i'll just get to the point.

my phone was stolen.

i was backstage and i needed to go up for the committee performance. left my phone and cosmetic pouch with a friend who was backstage also and told me he would keep my phone in his pocket. so i did not immediately go backstage after the peformance cause i assumed he would keep it. bumped into him at the dance floor later. he said he left my phone on a chair backstage and offered to take it for me. i assumed that the place was safe since it was really dark and noone would actually notice that there was a phone laying on the chair. 10minutes later i felt insecure and went and get my phone. only to find all my cosmetics scattered all over the floor and my phone was nowhere to be found. went out and look for him. we both searched but to no avail. called my phone, it rang but noone answered. kept searching the floor. called the phone again. it was dead already. someone stole it already. i felt dead. i wanted to cry. i just couldnt. panicked and asked everyone to search it for me. my friend suddenly told me that when he left my phone there he saw a fat indian man in white who was wearing a pass standing near the backstage. immediately we felt he was the one. since he had no reason to be backstage and i doubt anyone in the committee would do anything like this. searched for the man. fron the description, the hotel people said it might be a contract technical man. one of the committee people called the man, he left already and denied taking my phone and didnt want to come back to the hotel. i was almost crying already. met the hotel event supervisor and he was helpful. met up with the hotel security people and lodged a report. they said they have security cameras and might be able to see who took my phone. but it was so dark that time, i dont think cameras could actually capture who did it. hotel people sent me to the police station to lodge a report. sigh. even if they can find the culprit. i dont think i would be able to get back my phone anyway. and it's worrying me. it wouldnt be something i would be proud of the person went through my phone and decides to publicise my private stuff. my contacts and everything are all in my phone. literally my whole life. told mum just now. as usual. it's my fault. yeah. my fault again. i have no one to blame. i curse the person who took my phone. may he burn in hell. pray for me that stuff would be fine. for now, i'm a lost person without a phone. i feel so helpless. i cant even tell the time without my phone. or even call anyone cause my contacts are in my phone. sigh. why did yesterday had to happen to me? can i just wake up from this nightmare? =(
* can i cry now? ='(

to hell with molesters!

argh. i got molested today.
so much for a 'happy' new year
WTF
and excuse me,
i did not ask for it.
no i wasnt dressing sexily.
i was in a decent t shirt and shorts and heels
was on the way to kareoke at the top floor of the club
stepped into a lift with a friendly worker who pushed a trolley of towels
felt a hand hugging my waist
thought was my sis
the hand moved to my ass and squeezed it
then i realised it was the guy
he held my hand
i quickly pulled away
then he reached his destination level and pushed his trolley out
then he stepped into the lift again. wtf
waved bye bye to me
me and sis quickly moved to the back of the lift
he casually touched my front all the way
from my neck until my belly grabbing my boobs along the way
fucker. i was scared to hell.
he then wanted to shake my hand which i refused.
he touched my face and shoulders and i quickly folded my arms across my chest
we finally reached and i rushed out the lift
he even ran his hand across my back
from my thighs to my ass and to my waist
wtf.
called baby, he told me to report
sis pushed me to tell dad
it seriously took me a lot of courage to tell daddy
where i broke into tears
he went with sis to the management to search for the asshole
went through the process of testifying in front of the management people
the asshole apologised.
wtf.
i kill your mother and say i'm sorry lar. can?
wtf.
told the management to fire the asshole
he still had the guts to say 'tak puas hati'
wtf. molest people and get away with just losing your job still no satisfied?
want to go to the extend of being jailed and whipped ya?
fuck you asshole!
dont ask me why i did not go to the police.
i do not want so much trouble also.
i dont ever want to see this asshole anymore.
but i swear, this will not end.
i'll screw his life and make him regret till the day he dies
but then
it's sweet to know how protective baby is and how much daddy cares
but then again it was frustrating that when mum knew
as usual, she felt that it was my fault
even aunties felt that in a way i invited trouble
that i asked for it
that i was too sexy
that my shorts was to short
that i was too friendly
that i ... ... wtf
noone asks for these to happen
i didnt ask for it
and i dont deserve it
if it happened to them,
would they still feel that it was themselves who invited it?
i told a friend of mine
he told me that he had a friend who encountered the same
and said that the girl was traumatised that some asshole touched her ass
what pissed me off was his next sentence where he said that
'she's a good girl ma, that's why she was so traumatised'
WTF!! so i'm not a good girl
i deserve it lar?
it's okay for me lar?
it's alright to take advantage of bad girls and harass them in any way lar?
it's fine because we wont mind?
WTF!!
to hell also with asshole with pig brains
i used to encounter a lot of perverts and molesters
i thought the surgery would make my life better
in the sense that i would 'provoke' and 'attract' less sickos
now i know
that some men are seriously sick in their minds
no matter how ugly or covered you are
it's their sick fantasy and sick minds
i pray that no girl will ever be molested
or harassed in any way by this sick man
the girl they molested is someone else's daughter, might be someone's wife
if it was his daughter/wife, i wonder if he would say it's alright.
maybe they would. their minds are sick.
i have a whole lot of nasty things to curse him and fellow molesters with.
but i'll keep it all inside.
one day,
one fine day.
i'll graduate. i'll put this asshole in jail. i swear.
i'll never forget his face.
and make him suffer madly
with fellow molesters, perverts, sex maniacs, flashers, rapists, paedophiles and sickos
let them burn in hell - where they belong

sex and inconsiderate humping

baby suddenly wanted to go to genting last night
so genting it was.
left kl at about 1am for a long drive up to genting
it was supposed to be just a drive up for coffee and cold 'fresh' air
but he was tired so we checked into a room at 4am
had a couple shots of vodka with coke and went to bed
despite having alcohol in my body
i had difficulty falling asleep
and after tossing and turning around i finally fell asleep
i was awaken before the sun was up
heard a constant rhythmic sound
which was so mechanical and steady that i thought was some kind of machine =.=''
it went on for goddamn long and when i peeked at the time
it was 7am
diu. laid wide awake waiting for the sound to stop.
the sound was steady for about half an hour
occasionally stopping for a minute or two
and then the sound got faster and louder.
and a sudden realization hit me
it was the sound of the bed
squeaking and banging against the wall
goddamnit!!!
the hotel guests in the opposite room were having sex
damn diu.
it was really inconsiderate of them
to have sex in the morning when most people are still asleep and grumpy
and make so fucking much noise.
i know it's not their fault that the bed was not made for humping
but i was positive that the guy was doing all the work
i know because i heard very clearly
the girl could at least get on top which would clearly make less noise with the bed =.=''
i got so frustrated at one point and opened the room door
stood outside their room door and nearly knocked to tell them to get over with it
they are not the only people who want to enjoy their stay
of course they are entitled to do anything they please
but it is really inconsiderate of them to hump that way and wake the neighbors
i swore that if i heard sex sounds from them
i would knock on their door
glare at them and tell them off
then go down to the reception and complain
luckily i did not hear any
baby woke up and told me not to disturb them
eventually they stopped
so i fell back into sleep around 8
but i was awoken at 10am by the same humping sound of the bed
goddamnit!!
arent they tired?
holidays should be relaxing and not made for hardcore pumping
damn those freaks. they were at it for another 1hour
if baby didnt hold me back
i would seriously knock on their door and scream the shit out of them
am so annoyed that people are so inconsiderate
cant they at least do something about the bed before they get at 'it'?
couldnt they at least switch to a more quiet position rather than the goddamn military?
am so darn frustrated with them
because of people like them,
fucking horny and inconsiderate
they disrupted our sleep and spoilt our stay
i couldnt sleep after that
showered, checked out and we went for breakfast
drove down at about noon
tagged along while he met a customer and did some work stuff
then went for a bit of shopping at the curve
i was so freggin tired due to the lack of sleep
and the disturbing sound ringing in my head
goodnite for now


and if any of you are planning to have sex in a hotel room
PLEASE at least make sure the bed doesnt make loud noises when you do on it
fix it or get down on the floor or the toilets
if not please change to a subtle and gentle position
you might just break the goddamn bed and break a bone
even if neighbors did not knock on your door to break your bone
and NOT be loud till the neighbors can hear
especially not at ungodly hours when people are sleeping
it aint sexy and it aint arousing
it is plain annoying and inconsiderate.

"in the end, it'll all be fine"

went to the hospital again today
as i was waiting to meet the anaesthetist
met this pretty girl in a wheelchair who initiated a conversation with me
i cant remember the extreme list of sickness she has
she was permanently paralysed and had soooo much problems
but what i really admire in her was her passion to continue living
and her optimistic view of life
if i were her, i dont think i would still be able to smile and say
" in the end, it'll all be fine "

talked to the anaesthetist for awhile
realised that i forgot to mention
my past near-death medical struggle with nephrotic syndrome
where i had kidney failure at a young age and battled death
anyway, i have fully recover from it now
i had to do another bloodtest because of my forgetfulness to mention it to my plastic surgeon =(
i still shiver with the thought of it
followed a young chinese lady doctor to another room
she looked professional so i didnt doubt her capability
she could not find proper straps to bind my upper arm
and she used rubber gloves =.=''
then she said she could not find my blood vessels or whatever they call it
used another rubber glove to bind my wrists
nearly wanted to poke the needle into the back of my hand
i quickly stopped her as i know how much it would hurt
and told her that the nurse yesterday managed to get blood out
from the usual place ( the inner fold between the upper arm and the lower arm )
she applied some alcohol stuff and simply said
" i try larh k? "
my jaw fell open and looked at her
gave her the 'you-better-not-'try-try'-with-me' look
the needle went in with extreme pain
and she fondled with the needle for a really long time
shifting positions here and there and moving the needle in me
then she took it out after
a reallyyy long and painful attempt
and said
" aiyah, cannot get worh "
tears of anger and frustration flowed
i felt like grabbing the needle and poking it in her and tell her
'' aiyah, cannot get worh "
she wanted to try to extract blood from the back of my hand
fuck her. she tried again. and failed
it hurt like hell.
for you guys who have never had a needle in the back of your hand
it fuckin hurts like hell
much worse than the usual procedure.
i cried so much and she still dared to make sacarstic comments
seriously felt like killing her already
luckily she noticed my building anger and quickly ran out for a nurse
two nurses came in and she quickly ran away
fine. the nurses were nicer.
got proper straps to bind my upper arm and
managed to extract blood out of my already punctured needle-hole
went back to the anaesthetist
she said,
"why one bottle only?? i thought i told you to extract enough blood for two bottles?? "
my jaw fell and i nearly wanted to cry again
braced myself for another needle in me and this time it didnt hurt as much
it's not the pain that forced tears out of me
it was the frustration that they, as medical practitioners fail miserably
if you're not confident, why do it??
in the first place, the chinese doctor should have called the nurse
and not poke two needles into me for no apparent reason
sigh.
i only can tell myself to cool down
and that this is one of the sacrifices i have to make
when i made my decision to do this surgery
have been surfing the net to read up on the surgery
i noticed that i'm really afraid
and i might not be able to resume a normal life
without having extreme bleeding, infections, swelling and regular after-op visits
until at least a few months after surgery
a considerable 'fast' healing takes about 6months
o.O''''
i'm afraid that my past addiction with cigarettes might worsen my condition
even irregular weight and hormones might cause my body to react badly to the surgery
which means bad wounds and bad scars and most importantly
PERSISTANT PAIN =(
i'm not in a position to regret my decision now
but can i at least feel afraid??
as i'm another day closer to the surgery
i'm one level more afraid and my mind if killing me
i'm having mentally-triggered pains all over my body
whenever i think of the surgery and the consequences to come
not physical pain. but just the kind of pain i imagine and make out with my mind.
i'm afraid. i really am.
i am really hoping for the best
i made my decision to do this surgery with
high hopes that stuff would be better for me
and that this isnt for the worse.
i hope it doesnt trigger bad things to happen
am keeping my fingers crossed tightly and hoping that
" in the end, it'll all be fine "