losing grip..

mum's crying
dad's angry and frustrated
sis's forgotten and neglected
bro's in hospital
his operation's tomorrow
can i just brush everything away and not care??
why does the stupid things he do
has to ruin my life??
he's in so much suffering and pain
but why am i in it with all of them??
yes, i dont understand them
i dont understand the pain they go through
do they even know what they are putting me through??
let me go... dont make me cry again
i'm tired of all the shit they put me through

and yes
baby and i broke up
i guess i need time to think
he's suffocating me
so badly that i feel that i cannot commit into relationship like this
i need my freedom
i need him to love me at a distance
sometimes i want him close to me
sometimes i just need to breathe
i wished he'd understand
i wished he did not push so hard
i wished he knows how i feel
i am finding reasons to stay
but i hope it's not for the wrong reasons
i love him
but i need to know where this relationship is heading to
i need to know what i'm doing and if i really am ready for him
who am i kidding??
the real reason?
i guess i've hurt him in ways he didn't know
he loves me too much to close an eye to shit i put him through
i dont think i deserve him
i'm hurting him, hurting myself, hurting our love

sometimes i just need to do things wrong
just to know
that i having been on the right path all these while
many times, i have to hurt people i love
just to see how much they really care and can tolerate
most of the time, i just need to act before i think
just to push my extreme limits
i dont what i'm doing
seriously
has been 6 days and nights in a row
been out racing, drinking, talking, laughing,
shopping, playing, flirting, fooling around and enjoying life
getting excited and thrilled
being drunk, being wasted and
and get high on life
and breaking rules and my own principles
hadnt been going to classes for some time
i'm barely even in my room
or even in uni
busy testing my limits and being stupid
trying to suprise myself with the crazy things i'm capable of doing
i can't get a grip
maybe i dont really want to...
i'm tired of doing things the right way
sometimes i need to do it all wrong...
to know how badly i can screw myself
tomorrow will be another stupid day of pushing my limits
how long more can i live this way??
wake me up when all of these insanity ends

i'm surrounded by so many people
but it feels empty and hollow
as if i'm all alone
='(
*a single tear rolls down my cheek,
would you please wipe it off for me?