Thursday, May 28, 2009

letter to heaven.

i have never been good in dealing with issues and my emotions. I’ll always choose to run away from it. hoping that ignorance will make it go away. If it lingers, I somehow subconsciously allow it to slowly eat me from within. I disconnect myself from the world and live in my own pathetic depressed world in pretence of seeking ‘myself’.

The truth is, I’m just not strong enough for it.

I am not a believer of gods and the ultimate power from above. If there was god, I bet he’s sitting back and smirking at me. I believe in fate and that things are to happen no matter how hard you try to avoid it. People say that we carve our own paths. I believe that certain things were meant to happen. Just when I thought I outsmarted ‘god’ and changed ‘fate’, I was proved wrong. Just when I thought I have screwed up everything there is to screw and gone through every hell, something awful happens.

Yes, I have issues. In fact I have many. People always saw me as the troubled kid. As much as I try to run and hide, sometimes I just need time to slow down and understand why things had to happen and grief over it.

I know I had been quiet for the past few weeks. I chose to disconnect myself and as cliché as it may sound, I needed to seek peace from within and know that I have not lost sight of who I was.

I went through hell and Hades decided to throw me back to the world. I wish I could rip my heart open and allow people to see what’s within which is eating my soul and torturing me slowly because I simply can’t face this alone anymore. I am going through an emotional roller coaster. Except that it is crashing downhill uncontrollably. I need to know that I am not alone on this ride.

But please don’t tell me you understand. You have no idea.

I got to know somebody recently. He gave me the most painful experience ever imaginable. which I had to deal with first hand, learning it the hard and most tormenting way.

A lesson on life and death.

I wished he never exist.
I wished he never had to appear in my life.

It’s been a whole week now. I never get to sleep at night. I barely even sleep. I exhaust myself to the extremes every single day. Most nights, he would be on my mind 24/7, haunting the living hell out of me. I’ll stay awake till dawn crying all night, wishing him away. On better nights, I fall asleep after a couple hours of crying, and wake up two hours after, awaken by the same nightmare. The one where I was cursing him dead and wishing him away when he was so full of life, and the next moment, I was holding on to his dead body crying for him to come back. Except that I know for sure, it was not just a dream or a nightmare which I could wake up from.

The truth is that, he did die. In the most horrible way of dying. Which I was made to witness and live with for the rest of my life.

I took him for granted
I hated him
I wished him dead.
I prayed and cursed him dead.
I caused his death.

Dear you,

I know there is nothing in the world which I can do to make you come back. I hope you know I never wanted things to happen this way. My hands were tied by fate and I’m sorry I could not ease your death. If I could change things, I would.

I am sorry I told you over and over again that I wanted you dead. I am sorry I cursed at you. You know I was afraid. If I could change the way things worked out, I would rather be the one who died. It isn’t that much of a miracle that I lived and survived death, because I cant live with you haunting me and killing me slowly this way. I hope you know you are making my life a living hell, and you are causing me so much pain from within.

I am just so sorry that Death came knocking on the door and you happened to answer it.

You have all the right to be angry at me and to come back and haunt me this way, making my life a living hell. In some way or another, we both know I made you die. But I do hope you understand that I did not want it to happen this way either. It’s as painful to me, as it was to you. Your sudden departure made me realize how short life is, and how fragile life really is. One moment you’re here and the next, you’re already gone. I know the amount of tears I cry and apologies and everything I do, can never erase or rewind what happened.

When I held your bloody hands and your cold motionless body close to me and knew that there was no pulse anymore and that you were really gone, a smile carved on my face. To tell you the truth, the first emotion I felt at the time of your death was not grief. It was a sense of relieve. Your death took away and ended both our sufferings and perhaps in one way or another, it brought peace upon both of us. At least this way, you will never have to see the ugly side of life and will never have to suffer ever again. I hope heaven is a much better place compared to your short life on this miserable place called earth.

I know I am selfish to compromise my sufferings with your life, but somehow, your death made things better for both of us. As relieved as I am that your death ended your pain, I hope you understand how much I regret what has happen. When I fake a smile, it doesn’t mean I let go of you already. I am still grieving and mourning over your death. When I laugh, we both know I am just trying to make the pain and guilt go away. It ain’t easy facing your death alone, to pretend and move on like you never ever existed when my heart is ripped apart, devastated by your death. Kissing you goodbye and letting you slip away was the hardest and most painful experience I will never forget. Please don’t make it harder for me by living in me and in my memories.

I hope you know that I am sorry that I was so afraid and so scared that I had to leave you that way and dispose of your dead body with the most inhumane way imaginable. It scares me too that I have become someone I don’t even know anymore. I always thought that even if I lost all my principles and sanity, I would never lose my humanity. I hope you know I regret it so much that I stay awake every night thinking about how I would have changed things and made things better if I had a second chance. I exhaust myself to the limits and keep myself busy and caught up with anything at all. Yet, not a second of my life has passed without thinking of you. Only my heart knows how badly I wished things did not happen this way and how desperate I am for a second chance to make you come back. I know there were a hundred and one things I could have done to keep you alive and I chose to let you slip away. I am sorry that I made such decision and somehow caused your awful death.

I regret it every moment I live.
I swear if I had a second chance to make things right, I would never have let you slip away. I would never say or do the things I did to you. I would not let death take you away. I never would have left you.

I never dare to look in the mirror anymore, because I know you would be there, staring back at me with the very same look on your face when you died. I spent hours scrubbing my hands, I will never be able to wash away your blood. My hands still smell of your death, of your blood and of your dead body which I held with my bare hands. Everytime I shut my eyes, all I can think of is how you look when you slipped away, to a place called heaven. Everywhere I looked, I see you. and it kills me to know that I can never erase the memory of you. Everything I do, be it taking a bath, trying to have a meal, driving, or anything at all, it reminds me of you. I will never forget the painful sight of your blood-soaked body as you slipped away peacefully.

I am falling apart day by day, bit by bit. I relive the day of your death every single day in my mind and my dreams. I go through the moment where you slipped away over and over again without fail every single day. Each new day is worse than the day before. The accumulating pain is killing my soul.

Your death broke my heart and devastated me. The truth is, I didn’t think it’ll hurt this much. I really thought I would not be affected by your death, knowing that it happened for a reason and it made both our lives better. But it eats me from within knowing that I caused it. Thoughts of you, especially the moment you died, is torturing my soul. The most painful part is to know how much you mattered to me and to realize that I loved you, only after you slipped away.

Please know that I can only tolerate a certain amount of pain. And I am losing this battle with myself. Please don’t do this to me anymore. I can’t stop thinking of you no matter how hard I try. You are stuck in my mind all the time and there is nothing I can do to ignore your presence even when you’re not physically here. If only there is a way to make me forget, I’ld give anything to make this pain go away.

You’re not just in my mind. You’re taking over the whole of me. The only way I can move on is for you to leave me alone and find your peace in heaven. I hope you do rest in peace and god knows how long it will take me to find my peace and finally move on. Please know that I am heartbroken that you slipped away but I really can’t live in your shadows, in this misery.

Life is a torture with you tormenting me this way. Please let me live this life for the both of us, because I know how much you would have wanted to be alive. Please let me fulfill both our dreams and make up for the things you would have done if death did not come knocking. I have not forgotten you and I will never ever forget you. but I cannot go on with life with your ghost lives in me this way.

Do know I miss and love you much and I would give up everything in the world to make you come back. And I’m sorry I can’t.

I regret it every moment I am alive.

with love,

No comments: