Monday, March 22, 2010

enough is enough

the love of my life =)

sorry for the three weeks absence. i could not bring myself to blog due to the overwhelming of emotions especially when i read my own blog which makes me even more depressed. i have been crying and sulking since he left on 10th feb, and been even more miserable since 'the incident' on 3rd march which really broke me completely.

i was disappointed. very much. that the man who had made me feel like a princess and the happiest girl in the world for the past one and half years, is the same man who would do shitty things to me and completely break me to the extent that i dont think anything will ever be the same again.

it was as if he pushed me off a cliff mercilessly and i fell so far down to hit the rock hard bottom and shattered into a million pieces.

for the past two weeks, i refused to eat. i could not sleep without depending on medications. i could not work or go to classes cause i would break down. i could not study, i could not do my chores, i could not do anything at all. all i wanted to do every single day was to drink, cry, stone, numb myself and sulk.

awwww... cute like mad no?
but as my title says, enough is enough.

sorry to those who were annoyed with my emo-ness and self-pitying. and of course, thanks to the people who had stuck by me and been really sweet to help pick up my shattered pieces. but most importantly, i have to thank the people who slapped me, whether virtually, verbally or physically. because i think that was my wake up call.

a friend once told me,

"miserable or not, it is a choice. there is no such thing as 'you cannot' let go or stop crying, you just REFUSE to. cry your heart out for the memories and the broken dreams. then wipe them dry and untie the knot in your heart. there has to be a full stop and a limit, a point where you HAVE to come back to real life because you cannot go on being miserable your whole life. people wont sympathize for long, soon you'll become this annoying sad depressed person with an unnecessary, very heavy emotional baggage which you refuse to let go of. it is you yourself who is at lost."

another told me,

" it is his loss that he missed out on the best thing that could have happened in his life. it is his loss that he did not appreciate you and let you go. take this opportunity to seek real happiness. why be miserable and feel sorry for yourself when you're not at loss? he is."

(of course, not the exact words. but more or less laaa)

suddenly it just hit me like a blow on my face. it is true. he does not know that i'm miserable over him, and even if he knew, i dont think he cares anyway. even if he cared, there is nothing which he would do about it anyway.
so why am i choking on the pills with shivering hands and tears in my eyes, and cutting myself to feel the pain, and starving myself refusing to eat? why was i getting drunk everynight and making a fool out of myself crying at the clubs? why was i sobbing myself to sleep missing him so badly? why was i locking myself home listening to sad songs and staring at the door hoping he would come back?
it isnt worth it. not for a man who does not love me and can treat me this way.

when i walked away, he asked 'why are you acting tough for?'.
i can now proudly say that i am not that vulnerable fragile girl i was. and i am not 'acting tough', i really am tough now. i am so numb to the things you deliberately do to break me and hurt me. i was disappointed. i still am but its different now, because now i know and fully understand, that letting go was probably the best thing that has ever happened in our relationship which wasnt heading anywhere anyway. it is my chance to go and seek real happiness instead of being stuck in all the fake hopes.
" thanks for the love you had given me in the past, thanks for these wonderful memories you have given me. but definitely thanks for breaking me and letting me go. though it hurt so badly in the past and i may not be the same ever again with the missing pieces, but i have grown to be stronger and more matured. and i know some day i will come back to thank you for letting me go and opening doors to more wonderful things to happen to me. i am sorry that after all that we have been through, we have to end this way. i will not forget you and how loved, happy and blissful you once made me feel. thanks for walking hand in hand with me through this short beautiful journey which i truly cherish, but this is where we shall part ways. goodbye my love."

i will wipe away the tears and conceal the puffy eyes. i will make my hair, apply make up, wear my hottest dresses, and put on my killer 5inch stillettos. i will be beautiful again cause i believe someday, somehow, someone who is worthwhile will come my way.

and of course thanks for bringing toy toy into my life and sharing one whole year of the joy of raising a puppy with me. he still does wait for you at the door once inawhile in hopes that you'll come back. i know he misses you much and i bet if he could talk, he would ask me why dont you come back anymore. i would tell him, it is for the best. but i promise, even if i may not be able to be the best single mummy in the world nor provide for the ultimate best, but i will try my best to make him the happiest lil puppy alive.

people who are close to me would know that i had plans of travelling alone, most preferable to a place with a gorgeous beach and sea to seek peace within my heart. but due to unforeseen circumstances, things didnt work out according to plan. anyway, i have found peace of mind now, so perhaps next time. but i had my fair share of trying to relax the 'healthy way' minus the booze and substances. by swimming and lazing and tanning by the pool =)

hah =) him laying on the bench with me, phobic of the pool after accidently falling into and almost drowning =.=. look at his face. farny like mad =) who says all dogs have natural swimming instincts?


heh. part of the tatt. =)

oooh. damn like this pic with the blurred background effect =) and i swear i did not edit it! oh and notice my newly bought Guess bag. definitely happy with it especially when it is paid with my hard earned money. (okayy la. not that HARD earned afterall. but definitely my OWN)

oh, btw, did i mention? i got new hair!!! =)
dont mind the makeup-less face. i super excited to camwhore with it! =)

chio like mad, no? =)

okayyy. stop staring at my cleavage already!
heh. i bet all of you wondering why suddenly i dye my hair dark brown and curl them when i absolutely love my flashy golden streaked straight straight hair. and extra wonder why my hair become so luscious, so thick, so long and so gorgeous ady riggghhhtttt??
i bet you're thinking. cheh. sure hair extensions wan.
fast fast say my hair very gorgeous first!!!! =)

mad chio righttt??
nevermind. i know it is super gorgeous though you refuse to say it =)
okayyyy laaa...
i didnt curl my hair or dyed it. and its not even my own hair. hmph.

i know my hair memang very flat and ugly laa. but the thing is, there are no ugly women. just lazy ones. women are only ugly because they are lazy to put make up and make themselves pretty by dressing up and grooming themselves (dont know how to put make up is not an excuse! its also cause you lazy to learn in the first place righttt?! so quit complaining that you are ugly and stop hating people who look soooo good with their make up! )

but its not hair extensions. in case you dont know what is hair extensions, they are the type where you just clip extra hair onto your normal boring hair on the inside layers so you have longer and thicker and nicer hair.

mine is actually a wig! and mind you, wigs are not only for ladyboys or crossdressers or for those who have cancer =.= our hair is one of the more important accessory which you wear every freaking day. and its always the first thing people notice bout you, especially when you have fab hair! so what's wrong with wearing a wig worr?

definitely one of my best 200 bucks spent! expensive you say? you think go and curl, dye, treat and style hair very cheap ah? somemore if you go saloon to have a hair makeover, it can only last you like four months, and super troublesome to maintain somemore. besides, wearing a wig, you can change your hairstyle as and whenever you want. you cannot do that with your real hair!
why i dont use hair extensions instead of a wig? halo, hair extensions are also fake hair laa. okay, some are made with real hair, but still, its not YOUR hair right? somemore hair extensions are super troublesome cause you need to clip them on, piece by piece. and must conceal properly to make sure that its not seen. somemore it goddamn hurts okayyy!! especially when you got very little and thin hair like me =(

wear wig, so senang only. just take it out from the stand, put it onto your head. secure with pins if you're scared it will drop and be one of the top embarrassing moments of the year. see. life made easy =)

wigs are like fake eyelashes. so simple. its so difficult to have eyelash extensions, might as well just wear fake ones.what. you think your girlfriend's eyelashes are naturally so long and nice wan mehh? or you think mascara can make your eyelashes so perfect? plus. fake lashes are as common as wearing necklace or earrings now. so whats wrong with wigs? everyone should start wearing wigs and walk around with fab hair, like MINE! =)

mad lovee!!!

and i shall start going to work again tomorrow. have taken a break which is really long enough. i am poorerfor not working for the past two weekends. even poorer thanks to my overspending on drinking and impulsive shopping since i did not go to work and am too free =.=

thanks to self-pitying and my emo period.
but i'm glad i got over it already. =)
super motivated to go to work tomorrow. and to uni in the morning. got tons of work to catch up with. everybody say YAY! my life is back on track =)


Anonymous said...
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-LuVeRGaL- said...

thanks for the comment compliment and blessing =)

btw, who is this?