catch me as i fall

i haven't blogged for some time
had really too much in my head
i just don't know where to start
i miss him so much
i need him to be by my side right now
to support me through this rough period
stuff are falling apart
from bad to worse
one after another
and crashing down on me all at once
right now,
i'm just so tired of people
whining and complaining
about how imperfect their life is
despite of how lucky they are..
i'm still considering the operation
dad's quiet about it
maybe he feels i'm mature enough to decide for myself
mum says there's no point
baby's angry that i even consider risking myself,
but to me
it means a world
despite my fear of going through so much pain
and going against everyone else
and hurt my boy with this stupid decision
but i'm just tired
tired of medications
tired of doctor appointments now and then
tired of checkups
tired of trying alternatives which don't heal me
tired of crying when i see myself in the mirror
tired of people silently laughing at my flaws
it hurts so much
i know i should not be shallow
and that beauty is not skin deep
but i just desperately want to be like everyone else
just be normal a bit
i know the operation might not help heal my condition
but it's my only hope
i know it might turn bad and hurt myself even worse
but i can't forgive myself if i didn't even try
i'm trying to be optimistic
hoping it will turn out right
i'm so undecided
am i gonna throw away my assets
for rewards i might not gain?
and perhaps receive worse consequences of my stupidity
but am i just gonna walk out of this alternative?
which will definitely change my life forever
whether for good or for bad...
can stuff just cool down for a while
just for a while
for me to fix all these mess
i'm dying to escape
from reality
catch me as i fall
will u?