Wednesday, September 24, 2008

crying again.
baby girl irene, i love you.
thanks for the support and the post on your blog. it was heartfelt and made me break down altogether. i was trying to hold it all inside and try not feel what i was supposed to feel-
and to all my girls out there for me, i feel it in my heart and i know i have you guys with me. i just need time to figure out whether i have myself.
after a few days of running away from reality and hiding in a world where i could forget everything, i finally return to reality and it's painful. it's so painful i tell you. so painful you feel it in your heart.
have you ever choked back on your tears and force yourself not to cry?
have you ever smiled and laughed and talked when you were dying inside?
have you ever felt like screaming and crying and breaking down but you just have to keep it all inside?

it kills the living in me. i swear i am doing everything i can to hide it all from the people around me. i swear god i swear, i dont want to feel anything for him. it's just another stupid breakup.
nothing much.
move on.
i curse him for putting me through all these. i hate the monster he became. i hate myself for being vulnerable and putting myself in a position where i could be hurt. i hate myself for falling in love when i knew it wouldnt have worked out in the first place. i hate him for making me believe in nothing at all and live in fantasy believing it will be fine when it will never be. i hate myself for trying so hard to make it work when i always knew it wouldnt go far. i hate us for coming this far and finally needing to go through this rough phase. i hate my heart for being so fragile and i hate my soul for being emotional. i hate everything in me that made him so obsessed in me. i hate all the things he did that made me sad. i hate all the memories we went through that made me miss him more. i hate him.
then i finally break down
i miss him. i really do.
i try to lie to myself, again and again.
i tell myself it did not matter. losing him meant nothing to me.
i tell myself, there are tons of guys better than him who deserve me. i would find another better than him
i tell myself that he was not worth all the shit i went through fot him, he's not worth my love, not worth a single piece of my heart, not worth any shit in my life.
i tell myself, i am not sad. why should i be?
i tell myself, i have never loved him from the start. i knew this was coming.
i tell myself, he is nobody. i can move on with my life without him.
i tell myself, this whole rough phase is just part and parcel of life and it will pass.
i tell myself, he is not what i want. this monster he is, is just not what i want in my life.
i tell myself, i do not need more shit in life. i have enough already

i tell myself, I DO NOT LOVE HIM ANYMORE
i tell myself, i have moved on and i am fine.

i'm lying to myself again and again.
trying to avoid the pain and tears and anger and resentment.
god, please erase all these emotions in me
i wish i could just delete him away from my life.
i wish i could erase this whole phase he's putting me through.
god please turn my heart to stone and take away all these emotions
dont make me feel anything anymore
it's just another man i fell for and it didnt work out.
no big deal. move on.

fuck. i cant. i hate him. i love him. i miss him. i wanna kill him. i wanna destroy him and get rid of him. i love him. no, i just want him to leave. painlessly, silently.

he's a monster. irene, i swear. i swear he wasnt worth the tear and all the efforts made to come this far. a selfish monster! i wish i could just kill him and tear him into pieces and throw him into the sea to be washed away and forgotten. selfish asshole. all he cares is himself. there he is, haunting me again with the threats. can i ever escape? i dont want B. i dont want this, i swear. i dont want to live within his clutches again. no i swear i swear i dont.
ma!! he slapped me. ma, he punched me once and forever i will remember it. will u still stand on his side?? =( that solid punch right on my left cheek and the violent slap across my face when he found the midnite movie tickets in my purse. the violent angry eyes tearing me apart. the strong angry arms grabbing me . the harsh hand grabbing my hair as he pointed the fucking scissor blade at me and swear that he would kill me. how can i ever forget?!? ='(
did i really deserve that??
fuck B. i cannot love a violent man. i make excuses for him. i tell myself that he loved me too much to be so freaking mad. yes B, he was mad, god he was crazy and he seriously is losing his mind. he's being so obsessed and crazy over me that every single thing i do seemed to kill him silently.
if i ever forgive him, can i ever forget this?!?
he's threatening me with every hell in the world. threatening to kill himself. threatening to kill the men i am with. threatening to tell my parents everything shit i trusted him with. threatening to screw me. threatening to awaken hell. threaten to commit suicide and haunt me and kill me silently day by day.
how can i ever escape?!? baby R, u know i really want to escape. you keep saying i dont really want to leave him. i dont know k? i hate him. but how am i going to escape without screwing everything in my life which i have been trying to keep together all these while?? how am i gonna leave him without all raising hell?? B, you know i love him so much. i just hate who he is becoming ever since he fell so deeply in love with me.
you know, i have always wished for someone who would love me more than i can ever love him in my entire life. with my past relationships which never worked out because i loved them more than they actually do, i swear i wanted someone who could love me way more than i could ever love him. i wanted someone who was in love with every piece of me and cared bout me so much that he would live everyday of his life for me. i finally got it. he loved me, god, i swear he loved so much that he came to the extent of craziness. he was losing sleep, losing his life, losing his mind over me. i dont want a stalker. i want a lover. i dont want an obsessed freak. i want a real man. i dont want a mad man threatening me every second i live. i want someone who could love me without killing me with this overwhelming 'love' he had for me.
do you hear my frustrations?? do you feel my pain??
can you even hear my breathe anymore?? cause i think i stopped breathing already with him suffocating me this way!! do you know how badly i want to escape??
it scares me at times. it scares me so freaking much when i feel how crazy he is getting. he is losing it i swear he is already losing his mind and going mad with this obsession. maybe it's not because he loves me. the ego in him just doesnt want to let me go. the fucking ego in him just doesnt want to let me live happily without him. he is fucking haunting me like a ghost i can never push away.
i bet it is easy for you guys to say,
'' dont worry, it will pass. you will move on. ''
as long as he is crazy over me, i will never get to move on. am i just gonna risk my whole life just to make him leave??
i hear him swearing, it rings in my head even as a sleep, even as i talk, even as i am busy. i hear his violent curse, swearing that i will always be his. it's scary god i swear. i remember vividly, those violent mad eyes when he grabs me and tells me he will screw me and kill me if i ever cheat on him or leave him. god please make him go away. ='(
i am sorry to my dearest girls. that you guys had to go through this rough breakup with me. and had to endure all the calls and everything. and irene. i'm really sorry he put you through all the insanity. i thought it was because he loved me too. i thought his craziness was because he was really in love with me till i found out it was crazy. it was fuckin crazy and insane!!! everytime he cried, i thought it was because he was upset becaused he loved me too much. fuck yea, he loved me so freaking much he has turned into a monster. trying to control me and driving me crazy together with him.
fuck i dont know what he told dad. i trusted him. i trusted him with my life and stuff i have never told others. i know i'm stupid. how can i not trust him. we were together for more than a year. how was i to know that he would actually betray me this way? and use this trust i gave him, as a weapon against me. as a way to keep me under his clutches. how was i to know that he would become this insane??='(
dont blame yourself irene. i chose to be with him. chose to be with the wonderful man he was. until he became crazy and lost all the charm and the reason i loved him. dont cry for me baby girl. cause i'm trying hard not too myself. i wished i knew what i was getting myself in when i seduced him and made him crazy over me. now he's INSANE! i hate myself for provoking him and making him this way. ='(
he used to be everything i ever wanted in a man you know. i bet you guys are thinking why did i love a monster in the first place. some of you might be laughing and saying that i deserved it all.. yes i do. i guess in the end of it all. i really did deserve it. dont feel sorry for me. i moulded my life this way and somehow contributed to the insanity in him. i just hope he doesnt go any crazier cause he's seriously losing it.
i swear i dont ever want to see him ever again. but silently. i am wishing.
that i could be with him. lay in his arms once again on the beach counting the stars, enjoying the breeze and sweet whispers he tells me as he kisses my forehead lightly telling me he loves me dearly. i wish i could meet him and feel him caressing my face gently and looking in my eyes dreamily telling me that he loves me. i wonder.
if i can ever tell him i love him ever again. and really mean it.
i wish i could just fall asleep in his arms like the old times. wake up with his kisses on my face. and the pillow fights. start a beautiful love story from the beginning. minus all the shit that i can never erase.
but i guess it would never happen. unless i knock my head and suffer memory loss, i will never forget the shit he put me through because he loved me so much.
i remember every little detail in our memories. from being jealous when he disturbed waitresses, and smiling dreamily at him as he removes all the onions from my food, to removing his sweater for me when it was crazily cold although he was freezing as well, and listen to him grumble that i'm such a little brat as he cleans my mess and cooks for me. and do whatever he had to do, to make me smile. to make me happy. i love him. at least i know i used to.
i remember the time i was drunk. where he caressed me lightly thinking i was asleep.
i remember the simple times we shared where everything was so sweet and simple. just me and him. i remember all the promises i made and broke. i remember the sweet things he said which i never thought he would meant.

and then i remember. it is over. i just want to walk away with beautiful memories of him
and i cry again. because i know it's not ending for him and it will never end
i can never leave.


paikyen oh said...

hey, i dont know what to internet was down and then i finally saw all these..i'm sorry i wasnt there for u girl. i hope u re doing fine..i will always be online here waiting for u, if u need someone to chat with...dun cry girl, be strong.

Ciara said...

omg vivian i didn't know this had happened i feel so sorry...
i hope you're alright by now..
so sorry i wasn't by your side.....i'm so sorry..
you be strong you so much...
erase him from your mind..
get a good start okay...
hugs =)
i miss you