Tuesday, November 25, 2008

"in the end, it'll all be fine"

went to the hospital again today
as i was waiting to meet the anaesthetist
met this pretty girl in a wheelchair who initiated a conversation with me
i cant remember the extreme list of sickness she has
she was permanently paralysed and had soooo much problems
but what i really admire in her was her passion to continue living
and her optimistic view of life
if i were her, i dont think i would still be able to smile and say
" in the end, it'll all be fine "

talked to the anaesthetist for awhile
realised that i forgot to mention
my past near-death medical struggle with nephrotic syndrome
where i had kidney failure at a young age and battled death
anyway, i have fully recover from it now
i had to do another bloodtest because of my forgetfulness to mention it to my plastic surgeon =(
i still shiver with the thought of it
followed a young chinese lady doctor to another room
she looked professional so i didnt doubt her capability
she could not find proper straps to bind my upper arm
and she used rubber gloves =.=''
then she said she could not find my blood vessels or whatever they call it
used another rubber glove to bind my wrists
nearly wanted to poke the needle into the back of my hand
i quickly stopped her as i know how much it would hurt
and told her that the nurse yesterday managed to get blood out
from the usual place ( the inner fold between the upper arm and the lower arm )
she applied some alcohol stuff and simply said
" i try larh k? "
my jaw fell open and looked at her
gave her the 'you-better-not-'try-try'-with-me' look
the needle went in with extreme pain
and she fondled with the needle for a really long time
shifting positions here and there and moving the needle in me
then she took it out after
a reallyyy long and painful attempt
and said
" aiyah, cannot get worh "
tears of anger and frustration flowed
i felt like grabbing the needle and poking it in her and tell her
'' aiyah, cannot get worh "
she wanted to try to extract blood from the back of my hand
fuck her. she tried again. and failed
it hurt like hell.
for you guys who have never had a needle in the back of your hand
it fuckin hurts like hell
much worse than the usual procedure.
i cried so much and she still dared to make sacarstic comments
seriously felt like killing her already
luckily she noticed my building anger and quickly ran out for a nurse
two nurses came in and she quickly ran away
fine. the nurses were nicer.
got proper straps to bind my upper arm and
managed to extract blood out of my already punctured needle-hole
went back to the anaesthetist
she said,
"why one bottle only?? i thought i told you to extract enough blood for two bottles?? "
my jaw fell and i nearly wanted to cry again
braced myself for another needle in me and this time it didnt hurt as much
it's not the pain that forced tears out of me
it was the frustration that they, as medical practitioners fail miserably
if you're not confident, why do it??
in the first place, the chinese doctor should have called the nurse
and not poke two needles into me for no apparent reason
sigh.
i only can tell myself to cool down
and that this is one of the sacrifices i have to make
when i made my decision to do this surgery
have been surfing the net to read up on the surgery
i noticed that i'm really afraid
and i might not be able to resume a normal life
without having extreme bleeding, infections, swelling and regular after-op visits
until at least a few months after surgery
a considerable 'fast' healing takes about 6months
o.O''''
i'm afraid that my past addiction with cigarettes might worsen my condition
even irregular weight and hormones might cause my body to react badly to the surgery
which means bad wounds and bad scars and most importantly
PERSISTANT PAIN =(
i'm not in a position to regret my decision now
but can i at least feel afraid??
as i'm another day closer to the surgery
i'm one level more afraid and my mind if killing me
i'm having mentally-triggered pains all over my body
whenever i think of the surgery and the consequences to come
not physical pain. but just the kind of pain i imagine and make out with my mind.
i'm afraid. i really am.
i am really hoping for the best
i made my decision to do this surgery with
high hopes that stuff would be better for me
and that this isnt for the worse.
i hope it doesnt trigger bad things to happen
am keeping my fingers crossed tightly and hoping that
" in the end, it'll all be fine "

1 comment:

hui yee said...

hi gal^^
can i noe wat op r u going through??
n i think d doc really suckx...
it will b a great reminder to u..
next time if a person wan2 poke a needle into u..if he or she is not sure don let it happen..coz i tried it b4..
dey really sucks if they not sure..
n u will b d 1 suffering it...
anyway..if can do reply me in msg k:P
miz ya loads..muackxxx