Tuesday, April 28, 2009

finally, blissful and at peace

finally had the guts to talk to him over what i have been holding back for some time. talk about everything we have been hiding from one another and about how we feel bout how things has become and what we really want.

i cried a lot. a little too much because i finally allowed myself to cry after everything that i have kept inside, unsaid. although things he told me did upset me because i really was not anticipating this, and not ready to hear the truth, or maybe, in a way, i was trying to avoid myself from hearing the truth from him.

to finally be able to accept reality and no longer be hiding in a world of lies. my heart is warm and i feel that i am finally in peace. no longer confused and upset and unstable.

i am in a state where i actually feel calm and relaxed. after a whole night of crying, even after the conversation ended because it was late, and dripping tears onto my islamic law books which i were trying to read for this morning's final exam. i feel relieved to be able to let go of everything i have been holding back and stop struggling to hold things together from falling apart.

i think i have lost sight of what we initially agreed upon and allowed my emotions to complicate things. i need to get a grip of my life and remind myself of the rules of our game. as for now, i dont think i can take a step back from the line i've crossed yet. so, i'm gonna need some time off to figure out whether i can or cannot go on with this game anymore.

part of me wants to surrender this game which i would obviously lose.
part of me still isnt ready to let go and quit this game, knowing that i would wonder about how things would or could have been.

i seriously need a fresh start. i made up my mind to step back for a moment. take this holiday opportunity to be away for perhaps one or two months. and figure out if we still want to play this game we started, with the same rules we set in the first place.

i finally dry my tears and smile. this time without hiding any emotions inside anymore.

oh, and i decided to post a couple of self-shot pictures. not emo pictures, but rather pictures which i took on saturday night. sober after a long night out for carlson's birthday party and tagging along with a few friends to a disco. and spending the wee hours of morning talking to joe whom i havent spoken to, for a very long time.


heh. pictures are deceiving =)
but i really didnt photoshop anything. it's just camera settings and lighting =)

1 comment:

雨银 said...

gambateh dear.....
i'm owez v u kay..luv u..muacks...