Sunday, August 16, 2009

sorry for MIA for so long

yes. i know i've not been blogging much. thank you though for friends who had texted me or sent me messages on my msn asking if i'm okay and why i dont blog anymore. and am so sorry for certain reasons, i did not reply. to justify myself would just show what an ass i have been. thank you though for tolerating and putting up with me. i'm fine btw.

a whole month has passed, with me being disconnected from most people. losing and gaining friends. exposed to a scary D world of dollar bills, drugs, danger, dirty sex, dumb people, dreaded sins, dark secrets and everything else which i could never imagine. a place where money buys your dignity, your pride and the whole of you. and everything else you have left which money cant buy, is taken away by drugs.

went through a confused state, stuck where i simply was lost without directions and didnt know what life meant anymore. went through an emotional roller coaster, from being depressed to being this angry resentful beast into a sad loner to being absolutely cold and distant, and now finally, carefree and happy.

through this whole phrase, dark chocs, alcohol and more alcohol has helped me cope in tremendous ways. despite how much people condemn me for how much i've been drinking and am drinking, it enabled me to stay sane instead of submitting to my emotions and feelings and breaking apart. it helps me sleep better and when i'm sober, i am able to think clearly without being influenced by my emotions, which is definitely working out for me.

sometimes it helps to talk to other people, but most of the time, i dont. there are actually a thousand and one unposted drafts on my blog and in my laptop. it's like a diary i keep for me to confide my deepest secrets and feelings. it does feel better to spill out and talk about stuff, but just to myself. not because i cant trust people nor because they cant relate to my life. but rather because, i chose not to.
i choose to take long drives along the highway alone listening to slow alternative rock and ballads and runaway from reality.
i choose to sleep and for a couple of hours, just not have anything to worry over.
i choose to drink so it keeps me high and not think for a couple of hours.
i choose to focus on my daily life and ignore everything else.
i choose to be with carefree positive friends so that their energy, enthusiasim and optimism rubs onto me.
i choose to not talk nor think bout issues and i guess somehow, hope the knots just untangle themselves and fade away painlessly.

in a way, i think it really does helps me to heal.

and i think i am starting to believe that hopes are like butterflies, the more you chase them, the further they go. once you are able to sit back and relax, they start coming to you. things are working out for me. in a really unexpected way. when i thought i lost it all, it comes back to me. i just want to stay here, this moment forever, as i cherish everything which is falling in place nicely for me.

Hopes which I held on for so long, wishing that some day would come true, finally came true. Things and people whom I wish would change, changed. Feelings which I wished would go away, faded gradually. My wildest fantasies which I never thought I would have the chance to fulfil, was finally fulfilled. Things are really working out for me, the way I want it to. for now, am just gonna leave all the memories behind and live in the present.

not holding back the past, nor chasing the future. just cherish and enjoy what life has to offer.

the less memories you keep, the less painful life is.

honestly, i'ld rather live in this cold distant world, rather than going through confusing rollercoaster phrases of different different emotions. i am going to blog more often now. do be patient with me =)

anyway, in case you people have forgotten me, the vain camwhore queen is BACK!!!

cheers for now =)


雨银 said...

not holding back the past, nor chasing the future. just cherish and enjoy what life has to offer.

the less memories you keep, the less painful life is.

i like this two phrases...

luv ya forever sweetie....

-LuVeRGaL- said...

love you muchie too sweetie. muaxx!

KC 1980 said...

wow wow wow
look who's all grown up now?

from plain nerdy little babygirl into this hot chick/ gorgeous bombshell i dont even recognise anymore.

when can i see you again, my love?

Anonymous said...

You are ah beautiful woman mia where I can find you