walk to the park

it rained the whole day today.
the rain finally stopped at about 5 and i decided to bring my 8month old darling for a walk. he's been itching to go out so bad. i lost my temper yesterday and ended up smacking him very badly =( it broke my heart
not because of seeing him shiver in fear but rather because he doesnt appreciate the stuff i do
just to keep him by my side. keep him safe.
okay fine. i'm not supposed to be angry. he's not even human. and he's still a little puppy just wanting to go out. but sigh.

most of the time, i'ld carry him when we go out because i dont want dirty paw prints all over the floor and on my bed. it really made me smile to see him so happy and excited to go out today and be able to run free he would run far in front of me chasing people on bicycles, and when he sensed that it's a bit too far, he'll then run all the way back to jump into my arms. i just cant help but fall deeper in love with this tiny little furball.

sometimes it's really tough managing him. it's not nice coming home greeted by a wet messy ugly dog, and a house smelling like dog wee and having to pick his poop. it's not nice to see all my stuff bitten to pieces and having to pick all the bits of furniture and papers scattered on the floor. and when he becomes really really annoying and barks to no end. but it's little things like the little cute things he does, the way he licks me when i rub his tummy, the way he comes up to me for a lil cuddling, and the times when i wake up to see him fast asleep next to me with his head resting on my shoulder and on paw over my arm, which reminds me again, that i cant live without him.

******
i like long walks alone. especially when it's cold and windy outside.
it gives me space to think.
as i walked in the rain, i thought. i cried.
i sat on the swing with him on my lap, rocking back and forth
it somehow made me realise.
that it is wonderful moments which i cherish. and hold on to.
sometimes things are awful and when i just want to give up pursuing things which will never work out, i pause and think.
of all the great moments.

sometimes, the best thing to do when everything is silently breaking apart,
is to ignore. and pretend that it's not.
partly because i have no other choice if i didnt want to lose out, and also
because i'ld rather live in a beautiful lie, then in the brutal ugly truth.

someone once told me,
it's better to give up. than to go in circles, pursuing something which clearly has no ending.
i beg to differ.
sometimes we go on paths which leads us nowhere, circles and triangles, and back to square one.
but we still go on that very path. taking every step slowly, savouring every beautiful moment, wishing it'll last forever, and ignoring the fact that the future is bleak. and the only place it would lead to. is a place of disappointment and heartbreak.
why? we ask.
because its those very beautiful moments
which make us feel it's worth all the shit.


and right now, this is how i feel.
of all the stories and lies and heartbreaking truth i find out and all the shit.
i choose to ignore.
i choose to smile and pretend.
because i know,
i'ld rather live in a lie. in a second chance.
than to have everything fall apart.
i'd rather be wishing those beautiful moments could last forever
wishing that the end would never come,
i'ld rather live in denial
than to know that it's over.

because sometimes,
it is easier to pretend. than it is to give it all up.

i wiped my tears and smile again.
it's really comforting to take long walks alone. (well, not EXACTLY alone.)

***
the love of my life.

toy toy loves mummy too=)