Wednesday, July 14, 2010

of desperation

am feeling uber horrible right now having all sorts of things goin on in my head.

i was about to sleep when i pulled up the comforters to realise that they are wet. while i wondered why it was wet, i took the comforter out to remind myself to bring it for dry-cleaning tomorrow. and when i came back, i saw the OTHER comforter wet with fresh piss!!!

apparently toytoy pee-ed on both the comforters and left a trail of paw prints on the bed sheets, when there are pee pads on the floor!! after i picked him back from hotel and he was like this estranged dog. he dug up stuff from the rubbishbin and chewed on the tissues and what nots leaving them scattered all over the floor. i had a lonnnggg day, and this is what i get from him.

he is no longer a puppy. a grown one and a half year old dog already. and yet he still doesnt know his manners and limits. forever acting like a mad puppy. sigh.

its shitty things like these which makes me so frustrated and i am so desperate and emotional right now. like i've never been before.

here i am, fighting like mad to keep this goddamn dog while nobody seems to support this decision. sacrificing sooooo much just for the dog. and spending approximately 700-1k per month on the fuckin dog's expenses when i could have gave him up instead of spending all my hard-earned money to keep him.

here i am. fighting to make ends meet and work things out when the odds are against us. this is what i get. fml.

when the daddy left me with him, i made a conscious decision to keep him because i felt responsible. how far can responsibility bring me with this dog? it was my choice to keep him. but how long more can i hold on?

sometimes i just wished that someone else truly cared for toytoy the way i do. so that i get a break from all these once in awhile. because it really is tough raising one hell of a dog alone.

sometimes i wished that there was someone who would hug me and tell me its alright whenever i break down due to frustration and desperation of raising the dog.

nobody wants to raise a child alone, neither does anyone wants to raise a dog alone. but sometimes we are left with no choice. i just want a shoulder to lean on once awhile, is it too much to ask? =/

i used to think that keeping the dog would make me feel less lonely, but the truth is that, the dog has made me feel even more lonely than i ever felt before.

sometimes i do wish that i was more cold hearted and irresponsible like how his daddy is. then i would have just let go and not have to cry over his little misbehaviours and go through all these shit alone.

when i look at him everyday and be reminded of his daddy, i have big doubts if the decision to keep him was right. i do wonder how life would be, had i gave him up.

perhaps we never made to be? perhaps keeping him might not be the right decision after all?

desperation makes people do things they will regret. but please give me the strength to hold on. because i promised, i will never ever give him up no matter what happens.


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