Tuesday, September 7, 2010

dear brother.

this is in response to brother's recent fb status updates, consecutively, which wrote

"I spilled those tears out of its contain, not for You, but for my raging Devil. You must've thought it was better if You hadn't give birth to me 17years ago"

"P/S : I miss the times when You used to kiss me and call me cute names. What, its your husband who I'm referring to. It's been hell for me. I miss him, you know that?! He wouldn't even look into my eyes when he talked to me for the last time. Ahh, Fuck it... I am whole by my own."

"Sometimes when I think about the Shit I've been through, I realize how much I've endured"

of which i commented:

"as they say, what doesnt break you, makes you. whenever the going gets tough, never give up but keep hope. And someday, somehow, you will make the people who gave up on you, proud, of the stronger person you have became. i rmb years ago, when i was crying my heart out, you knocked on my door, and asked if i'm okay. gave me a pat on my shoulder and told me that all these hell will soon be over, even before you know it. it meant a lot to me then, even till now. so even if you get so broken, so hurt and disheartened and disappointed, be strong and know that someday, you'll prove them wrong! take care my lil bro. ♥"

but i just feel obliged to write a blog post instead of a comment because it aint easy to phrase everything i want to say you in that lil comment box.

dear lil bro,

it honestly breaks my heart seeing your statuses. i am lost for words. i may disapprove of a lot of things you have done, just like how you disapprove of my actions. and in some way or another, i admit i was disappointed in you because i was the one who assured mum that you are changed for the better. and when things happened, and the blame was on me, i was obviously disappointed. even up to today, i've only heard one side of the story, and not yours. but it doesnt matter now cause it wouldnt change the way things are right now, would it? since i am not in such a persuasive position anyway.

i havent exactly been the best sister in the world to try and understand things from your point of view, nor try to understand it from our parents'. i just remained nonchalant, indifferent and ignorant, stuck in my own world because i didnt want to be involved. up till today, i dont really know what happened, i dont know how you are doing, i dont even know where you are. looking back, and looking at all your statuses, i feel like kicking myself for being such a selfish ass. and now, after all that has happened, i cant even knock on your door with our secret tap and whisper ''are you okay'' like you did for me. although in the past, most of the time while i cried, you'ld just keep quiet and pat my back occasionally without a word. it's not the words which mattered anyway, it was the thought and the sincerity that meant a lot to me and made me feel less alone. to know that you would stand by me and silently support me, gave me the strength to pull through and endure the darkest points in my life. but, i'm sorry i did not do the same for you and cant do it for you now after all these while

all i can say is that i'm sorry things turned out this way for you. in you, i see myself. at least, who i was in the past. hard headed, stubborn, rebellious with this raging anger inside to grow up to prove our parents wrong. of course, our circumstances are different. my issues were with mum, yours are with dad. it's substantially different, but same in many ways. how she was so disappointed with me, and gave up on me saying that she wished she never gave birth to me and cursing that i would grow up to be a useless person and end up on the streets after being cheated and used by men, and eventually becoming a cheap prostitute. those hurtful words still ring in head, up until today. people used to tell me that mum just cant and dont know how to express herself, but both you and i know that although some words might be hurled out of anger and disappointment, a lot of things she says and does, were exactly how she intended it to be. i hated how she caged me up and never trusted me at all, and made my life a living hell with the continuous emotional and verbal abuse and mad outbreaks and insanity. till now, i still remember that fateful day when she gave up on me and was prepared to send me away. i felt so unwanted, hurt and angry that even after dad took me back, there was always a hole in my heart knowing that my mum was once so disappointed with me and regretted having me. and now that i think about it, all these tears still well up because it's that same rage which drives me to prove her wrong. prove to her that her ways were so wrong.

thinking back, i myself am amazed with how much pain i've endured and how far i've came from the girl who hated her mother, and once hoped she would burn in hell for being the most horrible mum any woman can ever be. i thought i would never make it through hell and would either end up becoming a runaway refugee or killing myself. looking back at how far i've came from the rebel who told herself she would pay back for the hell her mum put her through and will never ever go back home once she leaves, i know now that, this one phrase is true. "what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger". i still have my disagreements with mum, i still think her ways were wrong, and is still wrong. how she always has this prejudice towards me and the whole trust issue, always quick to judge and accuse me and disapprove of whatever i do thinking that she's always right and i'm always wrong. even though after everything, i still cannot entirely change the way things are and how she feels about me, at least i have changed my life, my future and myself for the better. at least today i know, that thanks to her and the torture she put me through, i have grown and matured faster than any teenage girl can.

up till today, i dont know if being disowned or living through hell is worse. but it doesnt matter, because either way, it was still hell. it still hurts to know that you are unwanted child and no matter what you do, you just cant seem to get it right and change things around. i know exactly how it feels because i've been through it and i survived.

i know that despite all the anger, hurt and disappointment in you with our parents, you silently want to prove them wrong and for them to be proud and accept you as you are. do not be disheartened although they seemed to have shut the doors on you. take it as a challenge to make you stronger, and someday make them proud and regret that they gave up on you. what drove me to never give up even though there were many points where hope was bleak, was my anger, resentment and disappoinment. be strong and never let those emotions get the best of you. channel all these negative vibes well, to fuel your drive to be strong, no matter how weak and lonely you feel, no matter how hopeless or bleak it feels.

you know as i sit here at your computer in our house's living hall, i realize how much i miss you. but it's never the same again. whenever i am alone middle of the night, it reminds me of the simplest things we used to share like cooking supper together and talk about our lives. because you were the only person i could really trust and tell everything. now, i talk to the wall and write drafts which i delete in the end. at my low points, i still wish i could go to your room and talk to you, but all that greeted me was emptiness. it'll never be the same again and i dont even know when we can be a happy family again. dont even know when i can go over to your room middle of the night to listen to songs together or bug you with my problems or talk about my issues or pour my heart out to you who would patiently listen.

i dont know when this empty house will ever be a warm home agai, or if it ever will. or will we ever be ready to put behind our indifferences and forgive each other for the past. i dont know if we can ever break this wall of silence and ever be a happy family, or will be just drift away and apart and years go by?

i can only hope for the best. for you, for dad, for mum, for sis, for myself, and for this broken family that is torn apart.

take good care and someday you'll make all of us proud. even though i might not always be there for you, be strong and know that you are not alone. that no matter what happens, you will always be my little brother.

love, viv.


雨银 said...

tears rolling..
i know u will go through this together with ur bro..
give your parents some time.... + u~
ah ma always here k...

lazy doggie said...

ur bro will go through it jz like d way u did..coz he is ur bro =)) genes will b ALMOST D same..^.*

-LuVeRGaL- said...

awww. thanks loves =)

Anonymous said...

emotional... wish u all best too.