i had a long talk with daddy today which made me cry. i came to realize that i have became a daughter he no longer knew. i distanced myself, build high walls to hide my vulnerability and insecurities and i have gotten so used to lying and keeping secrets that almost everything i do or say is not trustworthy. and i dont seem to know how to tell the truth anymore because all i've became this defensive, secretive and distant person.
it's almost like my whole life is a lie, an imagination i made-believe.
as much as i disapproved of his ways of digging out my well-kept white lies of the life i keep secret from him and mum, it brought me to realize that it was all driven by pure care and love of a father who wants to protect his daughter. i came to see that no matter how old i grow to become, i'm still his babygirl and all he wants is to be part of it. i was touched to know of little things he has done for me, for mum, even for my brother whom he disowned, for the family.
sometimes it is the little things which matters the most.
i will take baby steps to unfold the untold side of story, own up to the lies through the years, admit to mistakes i've made, reveal bits of my life which he might not approve of, unveil the truth about my imaginary 'perfect' life, and break down the walls of silence and fortress of secrets i built. it might not undo the tangled mess i've created, but i'll try. try to stop lying, stop pushing my family away and stop pretending to be someone i'm not.
baby steps. towards becoming a truthful person. towards becoming a daughter they can be proud of. towards blossoming gracefully into an adulthood and towards maturity, i hope.
oh, enough with the reflections already.
on a lighter note, i finally brought toytoy home after almost a month apart. a hole in my pocket, but a big smile on my face, and on his =)
his fur is getting very long that he sheds alot. quite annoying that i have to vacuum the floor three times a day and still have lint on my clothes. he desperately needs a hair cut. which reminds me that I need to colour my hair. gawd i hate seeing myself in black hair. T___T
ghastly picture of me taken some time ago, in the car while waiting at the traffic lights, with lighting from the brake lights of the car in front. T___T
end post with decent picture. good night peeps!
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I just want to say Hi to Everyone!
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